A time

There is a time and a place.

Right now I am at a place where the road is very unseen. I don't know where I am going. No clue... School? Continue with the never ending job hunt? Being a stay at home mom isn't an option anymore.

My Quandary is this, Who am I, who do I want to be, who will I turn out to
be.
Today somebody told me something. someone told me a lot of thing's we must've talked for at least an hour.

He reminded me that love was one of those things that if you know that you have it, life is good. and when it's over it's over.

Well I'm at a point in my life where it's definitely over and I'm striving and searching for somebody that will love me. I don't know if there is a person out there. it is a very good point that I may very well spend the rest of my life looking to fill a place that can't be filled. maybe I've been loved by as many people as will love me.

Maybe it's a waste of time to continue to look. I have two beautiful baby boys and they need their mother focused on one and one thing alone raising them to be healthy happy men that will find the one and keep her around even though times get tough and things don't always work out, but if you keep trying you can get past the hard times, through the rough times and still be together in the end.

No one ever said relationships were easy because they're not. Relationships take work they take time sometimes they hurt, sometimes they shatter, sometimes they drowned, sometimes they end. relationships are hard but it's what you make of them sometimes the ones that end are the ones that make you think and remember.

when you think Back you look over the lessons that you learned. there are always lessons, things that you remember like memories of walks in Parks and romance under trees and getting all caught up in yourselfs even when there's people around. moments where you and him are all that matters and the only ones in the room. Even when you're surrounded by people.

Their nicknames and sometimes you forget, Untell some random person says it out in public and perks your ears up and you remember he used to call me that. and then you think back to moments where he did and it brings smile to your face, a sad smile because that's over but a smile nonetheless. You ask yourself what's he doing now where's he at. And does he think about you.

Don't get me wrong I know I'll be okay I know that my chances of finding love that is true are pretty slim I understand that in the scheme of things I ended up exactly where I should be a mother of two beautiful boys. Ex-wife to two wonderful men and a girlfriend to way too many men.

But with every "mistake"? There was a lesson learned. Things that I hope will never happen again.

Some things I would never take back. Some things I wish I could do over. But if I done things differently then I wouldn't be where I am now.

Two amazing children Justin and Conner Are my life. And I will strive to keep them near me. I will help them grow. Watch them make their own mistakes. Watch as they fall in love for the first time. Watch them get their heart broken. I will proudly watch them exchange vows with the woman they can't see their life without. Hold their baby's. laugh with them, cry with them. And be there for them.

This is a dream I can't imagine living without.


I guess what I am saying is this.

Mistakes you make in life make you who is standing in front of the mirror today so you can't regret your mistakes. lessons learned are things that can't be taken back. they can't be learned if you don't make the mistakes and they change who you are. So every mistake makes a chapter in your life. And in the end your exactly where you need to be.

I told you so....

What Is worse than hearing I told you so from your mother or anybody really?


Saying I told you so to yourself.

Now there are situations in life where you know there's different decisions to be made. right ones, wrong ones, mediocre ones.

Some you make with your head, or your heart, so you make with your heart that you should be making with your head. These are the ones that you just end up saying "dude what was I thinking."

Every bad decision has a lesson attached the end every single one the trick is finding what exactly that lesson is and learning from it.

And that would be the hardest part Folks.

So basically what about them, i like to use Taylor Swift songs even Carrie Underwood. every sad song every happy song just about every song are about the way things are. i really connected to. The decision that you have to make is, what you make them you control how the lyrics affect you Are you going to let lyrics control where your life is going? you control how your life is. every verse represents a place in our life. and the question is are you going to follow along with Taylor or Carrie says or are you just can rewrite it yourself

Make your happy ending.

I'm gonna try to go on and follow my own advice.

I'm dropping love, my heart has nothing to do with my decisions in my life. I am sick of what that damn Organ making my world hell.

I'm getting focused. I'm not worried about how love, or my empty bed feels.

I am gonna worry about money, jobs, and life. And LIVING it. Or die trying.

Worse movie ever

Just finished "what to expect when expecting"

First I would like to say "bullshit"

My pregnancies were very different.

Justins easy, not a lot of complaints

Conners not so much, coulda done without the 18 week bed-rest hospital visit.

Things that I have been told since my kids were born that make me wanna punch someone.

1: you didn't give birth, you had a baby!
Oh I'm sorry your right I planned to have my birth plan torn up and to have him c-sectioned because my labor fucked with the doctors 4th of July plans!

2: you should sign these papers for permission to get your tubes tied when you baby is "again" c-sectioned.

Not a birth let me remind you. You have to push them out for it to count as a birth. (my now ex-husband says so)

3: you should NEVER have anymore children!
Why because the doctor that basically used scare tactics to get me in the OR. when a c-section was not needed, yet pulled the your baby isn't safe card. Which was crap! Because I was panicked, caught of guard, and scared. I didn't get a second option.

He didn't sew me up properly. So now I can not safely carry another baby.

I guess end of vent.

Kinda hard

This week has been a hard one that has led me to a complete meltdown.

Everyone has these weeks, or at least I tell myself that.

Weeks where everything is wrong, nothing goes how you expect or want it to. You lose things that you don't want to... But they move on and you don't see it coming. You see it happening, and you confront it. But are denied that it is what is really going on. Maybe your reading into it too much. But in my experience your not wrong.

People don't change unless there is a reason.

When you text/call and they always answer.. And suddenly they don't. What am I suppose to think? I'm sure your thinking.... "Well their busy of course" but I don't think so. I think that there is a reason all right. I think that under the circumstances I am right on. It's not something that suddenly happened to make them "busy". I think that they are avoiding me. Now I have been wrong. Not gonna say I am always right. Cuz I'm not. But when they get home and everything is suddenly awkwardly quiet and nothing like how it usually is. It means something is up.

So now I have a few options, brace myself for the inevitable. Hurt.

Protect yourself, stop giving things away when they will not be returned, because you know they won't. And accept that some things are gone and they are not coming back.

Understand that yes it is probably something you did, it always is right?

Except the fact that it is over, it's gone, it's done. There is no getting it back. Sometimes things just happen that way. You don't know why. You know it's your fault but you just don't know exactly what you did. That part hurts because you try to grasp what possibly could have gone wrong and how you could've changed it.

The truth is nothing can change it, you just made the decisions that you made. And unfortunately you can't undo the past you can't remake your decisions you just have to accept the consequences.

Now i do things is in this order realize it's over, grasp at what isn't yours anymore. Text to zillion times call a zillion more times until you're so upset that nothing is okay and then you're left with the image of a complete fool that just can't accept that things are over.

I this time around I'm going to try really hard to not do any of those things. Trying not to call, trying not to text, trying to not watch as they go on with their life without any thought of how you may be doing. Mostly because they don't care.

I bet That my husband wish that I had thought of all of this when we broke up huh?

Who I am

Today I got told that I am not as good as someone else. So I'm not saying I am... Cuz I'm not... Everyone is someone everyone is different, everyone has their own struggles that makes them who they are.

I am someone because...

I grew up in a home, well several homes. Enough said.

I got married young, I have had a string of very bad relationships mixed in I have had a few very good ones.

I have been loved completely, I have been hated.

I have good friends I have flakey friends i have friends that drift in and out of my life at their will.

I married a man.... Went though a deployment, made very poor decisions. Somehow got through it with my marriage intact.

I have had babies, I worked very hard to bring both of them into this world safely.

I got divorced, I was told i was not what he needed to make him happy in our marriage. That I wasn't someone he could continue to have in his life.

I then became a single mom. Which Is hard. I have my kiddos 50/50 with my ex husband of whom I hold in a very high regard. He is a good man. He has been nothing but nice and helpful and supportive of my struggle to support my children and myself.

This doesn't make me better or worse then anyone else. This makes me have a different view of life.

It makes me hold my head in a different way. It makes me walk in a different way. I dress professionally, not because I am... But because I want to be.

I am me.... I guess that is what I am saying... I am me.

Wow

So I am incapable of sitting by myself leading me to driving miles in the dark and wet. I was just telling nikkii she. Needed to calm down when I basically dumped her in the ditch lucky for us we are fine and I keep good control of her. But holy shit scary. I need to just feel normal.

I need to feel wanted, needed. I don't wanna feel thrown away anymore.

Dear lord,

I just don't know what I am feeling....

Let's start with the bad decisions I make.... Well lots of them.

I have had happiness and sadness and joy.

I have done things I never thought I could. I have struggled with small things and taken out things that are bigger then anything I have ever seen.

I am strong... Yet weak. I have talents and other shit that I don't know how to do.

I have people in my life that wanna see me fail. Something I don't like doing is failing. But yet some how I end up falling short of the bar.

It's no secret that men are not something I make good decisions with. I jump in way to fast.... And end up hurting more then I should have to.

Right now i feel like the world is punching me in the face, knocking me down to the ground and I'm jumping up yelling bring it on!!

Just to be knocked down again.

I want to be loved. I want peace. I want arms wrapped around me and to be told that it is going to be alright.

I wanna live inside a country song where the girl is loved and wanted. Where the man won't ever let here go. Where he will fight for her. Because losing her would shatter his soul.

Do men out there exists?

Do they?

Ups..... Downs

Ups and downs,

Up picking up Justin from school and watching him be happy to see me,

Eating lunch with my boys,

Downs, watching my ex-husband laugh with my neighbors about how i was fired from our marriage.

Having the wind take my stroller with my baby in it and whipping it away. Thank god for the stranger that happened to be there to grab it. Made me realize I am not a good single mom. Not yet.

Someday I might be able to stop crying myself to sleep at night. Because I apparently sucked at being a wife, forced my husband to leave me because I can't clean a house right. And ultimately ruined my kids family.

And I am really hoping angel comes out soon so I can shut feelings out of my life. I want to become a cold bitch that can't get hurt. Just Saying

I would love to convince myself that all I need is my boys... I tell myself... Don't believe it yet.

What to do with this box.

So there is a box in my head, (I know shocking) and I have been doing my best to organize it like the box of recipes in my kitchen,

I have been though a pretty rough summer, and here I sit at the end of it, trying to look though the rubble my marriage.

I have never been a good single person and really i have never been single.

And right now... I am dealing with this rejection and I am jumping into any relationship that I can.. and I don't need Anyone to tell me that "that's not healthy" because I know.

I do.

However I just don't want to be alone. I didn't get married to have it end.

I was playing music in my car yesterday. And pink was blasting... And I had to pull the car over to just stop the wet shit coming out of my face.

If you told me three years ago that he would be gone I would have punch you.

Three years ago I was holding my first born child. We were learning how to be parents together. And I knew we were going to be together forever. All the unstable rocky shit that our life had been was smoothing out.

My wild side calmed down when that little + sign showed up on that stick. I was starting a family with the man I loved.

So now it's rocky unstable and scary as hell... That is my life.

So anyway my point.

Well hell I don't have one.

I have a man that I have been "seeing"

We are pretty much a booty call situation at this point.

I have feelings, he doesn't.

I can't make him I understand this.

But when he is with me I get all sort of confusing feeling, I know how I think I feel... How much of it is actual or chemically induced I have not figured out yet. But as I watch him leave I know that he doesn't and most likely won't feel. Things for me.

And I am at a point where he come over and walks in and it feels like he is just coming home. And he is nice, he will sit and talk... But then it's a crawl on the bed. Move how he likes... Don't get me wrong... It's fun, but I know where it's going... It's gonna end with him walking out that door. And he isn't sleazy about it. He lays with me... He kisses me like he means it. But we aren't a "couple" and we aren't together. Because its not a good time for him.

And today I just don't know what to do with this feeling in this box that are quickly growing into a problem.

It is gonna end with a broken heart. And I won't stop it because I don't want to be alone. And if I end it to save my heart... I'll be alone.

The end

Tears,

I swear I have written this one.

Silent tears run down my cheeks, no sound is made just wet tattle tails of what you don't want seen. They usually happen in a crowded room, or a some where that a song is playing and hits a nerve.

A nerve that is sitting on the surface of the wound that you had thought had healed.

I wish that song would quit playing.

I wish that the same old thing would quit happening.

Right now I have a ring tone that says

"If I can get though this, I can get though that. If you cut me wide open I can cut you some slack"

Well I lies, I can't get though this, well maybe this but certainly not that.

And I am sick of people cutting me open.

So please stop.

Stop the hurt, stop this pain, stop the way all of this feels. Just make it stop. Please???

8/13/2012

Today started out HORRIBLE.

But after a nap and a drive to McDonalds for my coffee, then it was 4 hours of studying, two applications out. And the. Picked up the kiddos, went home. Let them play outside for a little bit, then in the house for dishes, dinner, movie time. After we sat down to dinner (just us) we discussed about how family is what this looked like. Then back outside, played till 8. Then bedtime.
Now I am watching a movie in my room, blogging. So basically it was a good day. Felt normal. For the first time life in my apartment with my boys. We are gonna be OK. And tonight I can say that and believe it.

Staring

Staring at a text message, where you know he know what your saying but still doesn't want to hear it.

Not that it matters anyway, whether he wants to hear it or not, it's there.

There are times when I wonder if I am in the right place.

They say I rush things. And yeah I know I do. But my head has always been that way.

It occurs to me that that's just not the ways it's done.

Slow... Well it's a novel concept. One I am trying to try.

I don't know how it's going but I don't think that it is a complete fail yet.

There is a guy, he is amazing, he is different than anyone I have ever ..... Well not dated cuz we are not dating, but seeing I think I have been authorized to call it that. So the most amazing man I have ever "seen" he is very.... Wonderful,

He sings, and changes words in songs for me which I may have read too much into. But hey maybe I didn't.

He lets me sit in the middle of his truck he puts his arm around me. We drive around singing every country song ever made.

He just takes my breath away.

But anyway... This was not the blog I was writing tonight. It was one I hadn't finished. So now it's finished,

I don't know where it's going but I am sure I am gonna be ok with it working, or god forbid it not.

?????

I'm losing it, my brain... Everyone should prepare for complete breakdown. Just Saying

I need to get a grip on my life. A serous grip.

I want my life back, not that Jason reads this but baby I want my simple loving life back. Where a man could just love me.... Or fake it affectively. He was good at the fake love.

At this point all I have learned is that great kinky sex is only good enough when you feel like your good enough.

Fuck

I just want love, I wanna be loved goddamn it. And I'm not gonna find that here.

Breath

Alone, fuxk I don't do alone well, he left me alone... I don't know how to do this... I have been apart of something for so long. How do I live life by myself? How?

Do I find a job... Just to lose it for not being good enough.. It seems like that is all I am good at... Not being good enough. Everything I touch is just a complete fail.

I wish I was strong, I wish I could just wake up and get dressed and be awesome.

I want things out of life, I want to be exactly what someone has been wanting... Waiting for... Needing.

Wanna be that girl.. The one you can't live without. I couldn't be that girl to him. But I wanna be that girl for someone.

I wanna be amazing for my kids, I want them to be proud of me.

I wanna make my momma proud.. When I married Jason she was proud.. I don't know what she thinks now.

In guess I should figure out something to be.

I'll let you know when I figure it out

Square one

Square one,

I lost my job this morning, so not such a good work week turned into a horrific weekend. Frankly I don't know what I am going to do, I hate to say that I am seriously thinking stripping may be something I have to think about. At least there I knew that I would get paid, I can sell the idea of sex better then anyone I know.

But for now I have done the math. The money I got for my paycheck is just enough to cover the rest of this months bills, with 43 dollars leftover. I keep saying that if I keep my head above water I will be ok. Well I am trying. And I don't know how this is gonna work out. The divorce is final, my alimony is gone in September, and I don't know when my child support is going to start.. But it won't be coming to me. The state takes it. I honestly don't know what todo.

Chances are... I can live till September but I might starve. And I may be living on the street as of September 1st.

I am more then a lot freaked out.

7/31/12

Today was hard, I miss my husband, no not my husband. My life. I know that I am gonna be ok. Trust me I did the money numbers on paper... I'm gonna be ok. But it is hitting me pretty hard that I am alone.

Alone isn't something I ever did well. Hell I never really did it, I was with someone. I'm mean Brandon turned into Jason, turned into Dana, turned into mike, turned in to ken, turned in to Mike again, turned into Brandon again, turned into Colby, turned into Shane, turned in to Jason. That was 2003-2006. So needless to say I always had someone.

Always

Not I have two little boys that are my whole world. But it kills me to know I broke up theirs. This isn't something I asked for or wanted. But here it is. All I can do is try my best to make the best home that I can.

I go to work, I come home, I make dinner, and I put them to bed... Sleep and repeat.

Pay the bills, buy the food, hope that until I have my 10% savings cushion built up that nothing falls apart, or breaks down.

There are people that I know will be their for me. But then again....

Mostly I have me. I just hope that it won't just be me forever.

Maybe Jason will ask me out on a date if I clean my apartment enough. If I can keep everything in the right place. But I doubt it.

I don't know when he stopped loving me, but he sure did. He went to court stood there confident as a rock. No emotion. And as I left the court room I crumbled in to a puddle of tears and non coherent words and thoughts.

My life that I knew is gone now. Now I have to get a new one.


Question is what will it look like?
Who will be in it? Will they stay?


But right now I sleep alone, I cook alone, I watch tv alone. Unless it is my week. Then bring on the happiness. Cuz my baby's are home.

Awesome!!!! Suck an elf!!!!!

I have officially giving up, seriously, well it looks like I'm never ever gonna be good enough. I at least I got my kids to bed before 10. But man! I am never gonna be anyone's dream girl.

So much has changes sense I was date able. And it's unfair. 6 years ago I was beautiful, I was exciting, I was the life of the party. Not so much now. Now I am nobody's life, I shouldn't have more kids, I guess I am nothing be my beautiful boys mother.

Right now I feel like They would be better off without me in their life. I am struggling with my own demons, and I am afraid that they are winning. in never gonna be 25 again. I can't get that back. I am never gonna be amazing in bed. I am gonna be average. Nothing special not to anyone anyone. There are a few men that I always thought I would be good enough for. But they live in a different state, live a different life. And let's face a broken woman with two little boys are not what a single never married man wants.


Anyway goodnight

Wow where did that come from

My world is just a mess,

Met a guy, fell hard, and he disappeared... Leaving me going huh???

So I guess I am just gonna worry about what I can control.

That's about it.

Ahhh

So how many times am I going wake up alone and realize its ok? So far only a few times. God know I wake up on my own, In a bed way to big for one person. And sometimes I reach for him, even though he has never spent the night here, un fact now that I think about it... I have woke up alone more in this last 2 months then have in my entire life. OMG!!

I haven't been in a single state for more then a few weeks, I have always been dependent on a man. Weird.

Now don't get me wrong, I am dating this man. He allows me to call him my boyfriend. Which I think is awesome! But I don't depend on him. Hell he doesn't really ever call me. And I am unclear as to whether he thinks of me at all though out his day. When we are together we live in a magic world. It's a great world. There are explosions in our kisses. But honestly we have only had a few moments.

We had dinner, he spent the night. Woke up went to work.

Then there was the night I snuck into his bedroom and pulled up his covers up to my chin. And I got to wake up in his arms.

Then there was a moment where we met on the corner. He was on his 4 wheeler. And I flung my leg over the handle bars and sat on his lap. And kissed him. It was a kiss that I swear threw the earth off it axes.

Then the other time he met me on the same corner and I jumped on him and he held me in a kiss so long so wet so passionate that it would have gotten a Harlequin novel award. His hands on me. Every thing was awesome! As I walked away he said "see you later sweetie" and I melted. It felt like that was where I needed to be.

And the Thursday I drove to his house, and stood in his garage walking around like I hadn't entered. I stood there no knowing what I was to him, just a girl... Or a girlfriend, or some chick you woke up to that one time.

But then as I almost thought huh; this is awkward. Then he tugged on my shirt and slide me into his arms. From that point I knew I was where I was supposed to be. And I didn't ever want to leave.

I'm sorry I don't remember what the hell I was talking about. And I would like to relive that moment. When I told him I thought I lost him and he said to me... "You never lost me. You ticked me off, but never lost me" those words made me so happy I couldn't do anything but jump into his arms and hug him tell he told me to stop.


Ok goodnight that's what I am gonna think about as I drift off

Love???

Love, what is it?

Well I'll tell you what it feels like.

I feel like I am sitting in a Taylor Swift song.
He is perfect, he makes me feel sexy and beautiful, and he kisses me with passion that I know in deserve even if it has been withheld me for years.

His eyes watch me like he is afraid if he blinks he might lose track of me.

His hands touch me like he is mesmerizing me. He is amazing, I love that he knows little things, where to kiss me and make my hair stand on end. In a good way.

I can jump up on him, and he catches me and can hold onto me effortlessly and there I am legs wrapped around his waist, arms around his neck and his hands right under my ass. He makes me feel like a feather, when I know that I am anything but.

He makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I am worth more then what I thought.

He is a dream, one I hope I never wake up from.

I am falling in love, and it feels amazing! Absolutely amazing!

I hope I keep falling for a long time cuz the free fall as scary as it is. Feels great.

Today...

Let's talk about today,

Today is Thursday, I like Thursday, it's the day before Friday, and that means soon it will be the weekend... Which makes brings weekend camping trips, friends coming into town, sometimes BBQ's but mostly for most people two whole days of no work.

Yay

Tonight I get to see someone that I adore, two people actually.

One someone is my BFF that is flying in from Texas, and two the man that is slowly becoming the next thing I can't live without.

I don't know what the future will bring, but taking it one day at a time is getting easier to do. Thank God
There for a while it was one minute at a time.. Now it is only one day, and soon I am thinking it will be a whole week at a time... Until I won't have to worry.

At first sight

What is it that happens when you see someone the first time?

Do you think "hey she pretty"
His eyes are amazing

Or Maybe it's just a mystery

I don't know what he saw when he first saw me.

But I know what I saw before I even saw him.

That's all

Him

Him

Tell you a story, I found a man, he is tall with broad shoulders, hands that move around my body kinda like is trying to memorizing it.

He is honest, and real and isn't afraid to tell it like it is. He drives me crazy, when he isn't around I wish he was. When he is around I feel safe, however... I am not sure he wants to be that close to me.

So I wait for him to figure out if we are something, or just friends. Just friends is pretty much a impossible thing. I can't be friends that would kill me to much, how can you be friends with a guy you want so badly to be yours.

So now I have to let go and let what is going to happen happen.

I have a life that I am building, but there is nothing easy about any of this. I wish I could just close my eyes and take a break. Just a little one. There is so much going on, and I just want to slow down. Chill out. And preferably in his arms. But like I said I don't know if that is an option. But I prey he will say yes. Yes i want to be more then friends I want to find out where this is going. Where it might go, but he may not

And I want to know now..
But pick me isn't a statement I want to say because I am petrified of the answer.

A new ride

So today was interesting to say the least. I mean I am most definitely on the road to better things. I have a great job with great opportunities.

I have an apartment, that's right a place that is mine! I don't have share with anyone with my babies. I love them so much and it makes me feel good that I can take care of them.

I look at where I was two months ago. My husband said it was over, and not the kinda over that meant we would make up in a day or two. It was really over. I was going to have to move out, and support myself. Get my own place to live. I was petrified!

How was I going to go from house wife no matter how horrible? How was I going to just take my babies to a daycare an miss so much of their lives. I don't even know if I remember how to work. God know I was never good at it.

Yet here I am a great job, an apartment, a car that is paid for, and more shoes then you could ever want.

I am not sure how all of this happened. I know I worked hard at it.. Tons of applications, tons of resumes. A few classes. Just a lot of work. However it paid off.

I sign the lease for our new place in the morning. A two bedroom one bath apartment with a cute kitchen. No dishwasher but I think I'll live. And if I can't my boss who rocks will give me her old one.

My bed will always be cold, since my romantic imaginary friend disappeared. Which sucks I'm totally gonna miss how he kisses. I really loved how he enjoyed it. Oh well

I am really grateful to my neighbor who let us live in his house. But I super excited to not live next door to Jason. I really hate having to look at him, just hanging out going throughout his day without any sign of hurt.

So it will be nice to get out of view.

So I am moving on, out on my own. Even though I am terrified.
Then again when I was little and I first went on the zipper, I was terrified, then I went the second time it wasn't so bad. And then I loved it and It became my favorite ride.

So point being, I may be alone, I may be in a place I have never been. I may be scared, but who knows this may be my new favorite ride!

New found love

I have found the love I have always needed and it was always here, it never left and it never will. I haven't alway known what it looked like but yet it was here.

That love is me, I have always been me, always. No man can take that no man can break that. I am a strong woman that has been though a lot in here life.

I had chapter one, I married young and didn't really think it though, he left without a word. He came back only when he needed something. He used and abused my love for him over and over and over again. But I came out on top with a bruised heart. But still mendable.

Chapter 2 went a whole lot better. It started out with all the wrong choices being made, all by me. I will take the blame for that. Those choices ultimately what brought this chapter to a close. I hurt him, badly. He couldn't find it in his heart to forgive me. I know he must have tried but apparently he couldn't do that anymore. He didn't trust me. He couldn't see past the mistakes I had made. Although I quit making the mistakes and committed to him and him alone. We created a family that I will never regret nor will he. Our love is embedded in those little boys. When I look at them I know that we loved each other. He couldn't forgive and I couldn't do what he needed to be able to live and love in the same house anymore. So we split.


Now I wasn't ready to move to chapter 3 so I stayed in Limbo, I wasted two months there. I didn't have a job, a place to live, a man to love me. And I mourned over that for a long time. I even lowered myself to a whole new low as I went back and begged for sex, and comfort as opposed to facing the facts and working though the pain and moving forward.

Well I started seeing a man that did everything I needed, cuddled with me held me, kissed me like he meant it. Even occasionally allowed me to spend the night. He liked me, something I hadn't felt in quite some time. He helped me through the hard parts, he texted me, hung out with me, and yes listened to me ramble on and on and on about nothing.

I am and people person this man is not in fact in the month and a half we hung out we never went out in public.

This doesn't work for me.

So I entertained a new venue.

I went on a real date, we had never met, but he chatted all weekend, and on Monday, my first day at my new job. He picked me up and we went to dinner. He is funny, charming, good looking, has two children that he adores and is kinda awesome.

The date went well and as we sat down to watch a movie he wrapped his muscular arms around me and held me. Just held me. For a long time until I fell asleep. Now he had two choices he could have left. I was asleep therefor no longer talking, or interacting in anyway. Or stay with this stranger in his arms. She very obviously needed this. So he stayed. I woke up in the arms of a man that just held me. No other nonsense just held me.

Some of the things that came up on our date was that if Jason asked for me back would I go.

And I answered no. I have done to much to move forward. I have gotten a job. I was missing him less. And knew that I didn't want to go back.

Well, one booty call later I was left after cuddling though a movie.

This step was the end I was done. I knew that before I can truly ever be completely love I was going to have to love and respect myself first.

I needed to know what I was worth,

I am worth a lot, I am special I am unique I am amazing kind, and I give everything I have to the people I love. This didn't include the most important person in my life. ME.

My point is this.

I am important,
I deserve better then a one night stand. I deserve a man that wants to be around, that accepts that I have baggage. I have two boys. That will always come first. I am worth so much more then I have ever had.

Is Eddie the man of my dreams, will I fall head over heels for him?

These are questions I don't know the answers to that.

But I know that this is chapter 3.

And I am not going to settle for less then amazing!