I am so confused, I am so lost, I am so scared. I have never done this before. well maybe I have. but i know i don't remember how I did it then. Throughout my life I have done a lot of things wrong. I have done a lot of things right. I have gotten lost, but found my way back.
I am again at a place where I am standing at a fork in my way. I could take a Left or a Right. but which one. Which is the best one. They say that the longer more difficult one is usually the one to take. but what if i don't know what one that is. I mean how do you let something go that you want so bad. How do you know if letting go is the right thing to do. How do you know?
I guess I could pray. I guess I could wait for everything be become clear.... but what if it doesn't. What if my dreams are just that. Dreams. What if I am no soupost to have what i desperately want? How am I going to cope with a world that doesn't have what i thought it should. I just want to Know. Like for sure KNOW. but i don't.
There are things in this world that i really want, A happy marriage. and yes a marriage. not just a "committed relationship" a marriage. and i want another baby. and i know i don't deserve either. but doesn't change the want. unfortunately you cant wish that little blue plus sign into existences. its either there or its not. and right now... well its not. and with the thought of it possible being there. and i do mean the chance that it could be.... made him FREAK OUT. he doesn't want a kid with me.. I cant make him want the same things as i do... and do i love him... YES! I do and this is killing me. but i just don't think sitting around waiting is going to work. I think i am wasting my time.
how did i come about believing this? well i ll tell you... you don't say the things he says to me when you see forever by their side. you just don't. but it doesn't change the hurt of the whole thing. I want to make him a daddy, I just want to feel wanted.. and i don't... I just don't.
