Ups..... Downs

Ups and downs,

Up picking up Justin from school and watching him be happy to see me,

Eating lunch with my boys,

Downs, watching my ex-husband laugh with my neighbors about how i was fired from our marriage.

Having the wind take my stroller with my baby in it and whipping it away. Thank god for the stranger that happened to be there to grab it. Made me realize I am not a good single mom. Not yet.

Someday I might be able to stop crying myself to sleep at night. Because I apparently sucked at being a wife, forced my husband to leave me because I can't clean a house right. And ultimately ruined my kids family.

And I am really hoping angel comes out soon so I can shut feelings out of my life. I want to become a cold bitch that can't get hurt. Just Saying

I would love to convince myself that all I need is my boys... I tell myself... Don't believe it yet.

What to do with this box.

So there is a box in my head, (I know shocking) and I have been doing my best to organize it like the box of recipes in my kitchen,

I have been though a pretty rough summer, and here I sit at the end of it, trying to look though the rubble my marriage.

I have never been a good single person and really i have never been single.

And right now... I am dealing with this rejection and I am jumping into any relationship that I can.. and I don't need Anyone to tell me that "that's not healthy" because I know.

I do.

However I just don't want to be alone. I didn't get married to have it end.

I was playing music in my car yesterday. And pink was blasting... And I had to pull the car over to just stop the wet shit coming out of my face.

If you told me three years ago that he would be gone I would have punch you.

Three years ago I was holding my first born child. We were learning how to be parents together. And I knew we were going to be together forever. All the unstable rocky shit that our life had been was smoothing out.

My wild side calmed down when that little + sign showed up on that stick. I was starting a family with the man I loved.

So now it's rocky unstable and scary as hell... That is my life.

So anyway my point.

Well hell I don't have one.

I have a man that I have been "seeing"

We are pretty much a booty call situation at this point.

I have feelings, he doesn't.

I can't make him I understand this.

But when he is with me I get all sort of confusing feeling, I know how I think I feel... How much of it is actual or chemically induced I have not figured out yet. But as I watch him leave I know that he doesn't and most likely won't feel. Things for me.

And I am at a point where he come over and walks in and it feels like he is just coming home. And he is nice, he will sit and talk... But then it's a crawl on the bed. Move how he likes... Don't get me wrong... It's fun, but I know where it's going... It's gonna end with him walking out that door. And he isn't sleazy about it. He lays with me... He kisses me like he means it. But we aren't a "couple" and we aren't together. Because its not a good time for him.

And today I just don't know what to do with this feeling in this box that are quickly growing into a problem.

It is gonna end with a broken heart. And I won't stop it because I don't want to be alone. And if I end it to save my heart... I'll be alone.

The end

Tears,

I swear I have written this one.

Silent tears run down my cheeks, no sound is made just wet tattle tails of what you don't want seen. They usually happen in a crowded room, or a some where that a song is playing and hits a nerve.

A nerve that is sitting on the surface of the wound that you had thought had healed.

I wish that song would quit playing.

I wish that the same old thing would quit happening.

Right now I have a ring tone that says

"If I can get though this, I can get though that. If you cut me wide open I can cut you some slack"

Well I lies, I can't get though this, well maybe this but certainly not that.

And I am sick of people cutting me open.

So please stop.

Stop the hurt, stop this pain, stop the way all of this feels. Just make it stop. Please???

8/13/2012

Today started out HORRIBLE.

But after a nap and a drive to McDonalds for my coffee, then it was 4 hours of studying, two applications out. And the. Picked up the kiddos, went home. Let them play outside for a little bit, then in the house for dishes, dinner, movie time. After we sat down to dinner (just us) we discussed about how family is what this looked like. Then back outside, played till 8. Then bedtime.
Now I am watching a movie in my room, blogging. So basically it was a good day. Felt normal. For the first time life in my apartment with my boys. We are gonna be OK. And tonight I can say that and believe it.

Staring

Staring at a text message, where you know he know what your saying but still doesn't want to hear it.

Not that it matters anyway, whether he wants to hear it or not, it's there.

There are times when I wonder if I am in the right place.

They say I rush things. And yeah I know I do. But my head has always been that way.

It occurs to me that that's just not the ways it's done.

Slow... Well it's a novel concept. One I am trying to try.

I don't know how it's going but I don't think that it is a complete fail yet.

There is a guy, he is amazing, he is different than anyone I have ever ..... Well not dated cuz we are not dating, but seeing I think I have been authorized to call it that. So the most amazing man I have ever "seen" he is very.... Wonderful,

He sings, and changes words in songs for me which I may have read too much into. But hey maybe I didn't.

He lets me sit in the middle of his truck he puts his arm around me. We drive around singing every country song ever made.

He just takes my breath away.

But anyway... This was not the blog I was writing tonight. It was one I hadn't finished. So now it's finished,

I don't know where it's going but I am sure I am gonna be ok with it working, or god forbid it not.

?????

I'm losing it, my brain... Everyone should prepare for complete breakdown. Just Saying

I need to get a grip on my life. A serous grip.

I want my life back, not that Jason reads this but baby I want my simple loving life back. Where a man could just love me.... Or fake it affectively. He was good at the fake love.

At this point all I have learned is that great kinky sex is only good enough when you feel like your good enough.

Fuck

I just want love, I wanna be loved goddamn it. And I'm not gonna find that here.

Breath

Alone, fuxk I don't do alone well, he left me alone... I don't know how to do this... I have been apart of something for so long. How do I live life by myself? How?

Do I find a job... Just to lose it for not being good enough.. It seems like that is all I am good at... Not being good enough. Everything I touch is just a complete fail.

I wish I was strong, I wish I could just wake up and get dressed and be awesome.

I want things out of life, I want to be exactly what someone has been wanting... Waiting for... Needing.

Wanna be that girl.. The one you can't live without. I couldn't be that girl to him. But I wanna be that girl for someone.

I wanna be amazing for my kids, I want them to be proud of me.

I wanna make my momma proud.. When I married Jason she was proud.. I don't know what she thinks now.

In guess I should figure out something to be.

I'll let you know when I figure it out

Square one

Square one,

I lost my job this morning, so not such a good work week turned into a horrific weekend. Frankly I don't know what I am going to do, I hate to say that I am seriously thinking stripping may be something I have to think about. At least there I knew that I would get paid, I can sell the idea of sex better then anyone I know.

But for now I have done the math. The money I got for my paycheck is just enough to cover the rest of this months bills, with 43 dollars leftover. I keep saying that if I keep my head above water I will be ok. Well I am trying. And I don't know how this is gonna work out. The divorce is final, my alimony is gone in September, and I don't know when my child support is going to start.. But it won't be coming to me. The state takes it. I honestly don't know what todo.

Chances are... I can live till September but I might starve. And I may be living on the street as of September 1st.

I am more then a lot freaked out.