I am so confused, I am so lost, I am so scared. I have never done this before. well maybe I have. but i know i don't remember how I did it then. Throughout my life I have done a lot of things wrong. I have done a lot of things right. I have gotten lost, but found my way back.
I am again at a place where I am standing at a fork in my way. I could take a Left or a Right. but which one. Which is the best one. They say that the longer more difficult one is usually the one to take. but what if i don't know what one that is. I mean how do you let something go that you want so bad. How do you know if letting go is the right thing to do. How do you know?
I guess I could pray. I guess I could wait for everything be become clear.... but what if it doesn't. What if my dreams are just that. Dreams. What if I am no soupost to have what i desperately want? How am I going to cope with a world that doesn't have what i thought it should. I just want to Know. Like for sure KNOW. but i don't.
There are things in this world that i really want, A happy marriage. and yes a marriage. not just a "committed relationship" a marriage. and i want another baby. and i know i don't deserve either. but doesn't change the want. unfortunately you cant wish that little blue plus sign into existences. its either there or its not. and right now... well its not. and with the thought of it possible being there. and i do mean the chance that it could be.... made him FREAK OUT. he doesn't want a kid with me.. I cant make him want the same things as i do... and do i love him... YES! I do and this is killing me. but i just don't think sitting around waiting is going to work. I think i am wasting my time.
how did i come about believing this? well i ll tell you... you don't say the things he says to me when you see forever by their side. you just don't. but it doesn't change the hurt of the whole thing. I want to make him a daddy, I just want to feel wanted.. and i don't... I just don't.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Chapter 3 book 4?
Well Things have just gotten worse and worse and worse. and finally we have just had enough. well that was months ago. yet here we stand still talking, spending the night, fighting, yelling. on his work week we spend time together. his days off he always gets pissed off and spends them having "him time". well then i got a job and i am never around because i work nights and it doesn't work with his schedule i mean, he wake up and goes to work at 4am gets off work at 12pm. I get off at 4 am or 6am., go home and sleep and wake up at 12 or 1. and.... oh wait that would mean that if he stopped by after work then we would have time together. but he doesn't want to. or he would. well i have gotten really good at lying to myself this will change. but the truth is that it wont.
so tonight when i didn't raise my voice not one time. yet he yelled and got pissed off, hung up, i called to tell jokes and keep things light, and let him know that i care. and he goes on and on and on about horrible stuff. he is truly unhappy. so when he told me to quit calling him so he could forget he was mad... well i did exactly that. took his calls off my call log. blocked his number so he can't contact me. deleted his number, then his Facebook. i don't have his number memorized. so. it would take a little bit for me to find it. and maybe the little bit of thinking i have to do will denture me, and maybe i will remember he doesn't even like me. and hasn't for quite some time.
The kids and I are moving here soon, and i guess it wouldn't be hard to not leave a forwarding address. and he isn't going to look for me.
Here is my question how can you feel so bad about a relationship that has been gone for quite some time. yet here i am at work all upset because i feel a loss. a huge hole in my heart where we used to be. our year anniversary is coming up. and following that is going to be the super bowl. valentines day,. the Idairod restart, saint Patrick's day, fishing, Easter, all sorts of things we did, things we were going to do. places we wanted to go. and i swear it is going to be a horrible year. I just want to be OK again. and i don't know how to do that.
I wish i could just disappear. just get off the radar. everyone's radar.
So i guess i am closing another chapter or starting a new book. or something. but its not going to be easy. and it most likely going to suck.
so tonight when i didn't raise my voice not one time. yet he yelled and got pissed off, hung up, i called to tell jokes and keep things light, and let him know that i care. and he goes on and on and on about horrible stuff. he is truly unhappy. so when he told me to quit calling him so he could forget he was mad... well i did exactly that. took his calls off my call log. blocked his number so he can't contact me. deleted his number, then his Facebook. i don't have his number memorized. so. it would take a little bit for me to find it. and maybe the little bit of thinking i have to do will denture me, and maybe i will remember he doesn't even like me. and hasn't for quite some time.
The kids and I are moving here soon, and i guess it wouldn't be hard to not leave a forwarding address. and he isn't going to look for me.
Here is my question how can you feel so bad about a relationship that has been gone for quite some time. yet here i am at work all upset because i feel a loss. a huge hole in my heart where we used to be. our year anniversary is coming up. and following that is going to be the super bowl. valentines day,. the Idairod restart, saint Patrick's day, fishing, Easter, all sorts of things we did, things we were going to do. places we wanted to go. and i swear it is going to be a horrible year. I just want to be OK again. and i don't know how to do that.
I wish i could just disappear. just get off the radar. everyone's radar.
So i guess i am closing another chapter or starting a new book. or something. but its not going to be easy. and it most likely going to suck.
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