Pain

Pain, not something I have ever tolerated well. And right now my heart hurts. I live for my kids, but I'm alone in this I have to teach them. Right from wrong... How to love, how to care. And sure I'm not their only parent. But I can't help wish we were a family again. But that isn't gonna happen. He has moved on. As have I. I'm happy most of the time. Not today when I'm second on the list of people that is important in their life.
I have become friends with the woman he is with. It's not that bad. She is nice. Sometimes she does stupid shit. But who doesn't right, (I know I've been dumb zillion times) we all make mistakes and when we do you have live with them. I wish I could find some peace in this. But it is escaping me. I guess I should read my scriptures that will make things clearer of something. Faith is something i have a lot of. Not knowing but hoping. Knowing that Heavenly Father will make it better. I don't know how. But somehow he will. Just not right now. And I pray that I will grow into the woman he wants me to be... But right now my faith is faltering. Like a object that you hold onto. That suddenly turns to water or dust. That the harder you hang on the faster it escapes your fingers. And just letting go.... Just the thought of it hurts, causes pain that leaves you sitting in a corner with your arms around your own legs hoping that somehow it will be ok. So here I sit.

And old note I wrote myself

Heartbreak doesn't let you know it's coming, it doesn't signal or call ahead. It just swoops in and announces itself. The receiver is left with a empty spot that used to be full.

They say time heals all wounds, in my experience this is true. Although the road isn't an easy one.

I have recently been told that the weeks before were in fact not factual. The words of family, and a life together were taken back. Just like that.

I asked over and over again if he could look me in the eye and tell me that he didn't love me anymore. Tell me that you don't think of me, that you know that this really something you won't regret later. Is it?

This puts me in an awkward place in life. One that leaves me sad and empty. I walk around and feel somehow incomplete. Something missing. Something BIG. Significant.

My world right now is blessed. I have friends, children that I get to hold close. And I have known love in my life. I can honestly say I have loved. I think I have been loved in return. I tell myself you can't blame people for how they don't feel. But you have to take that knowledge and accept it.

This is harder than it looks accepting this thought with grace is not something I am good at. I tell myself I won't cry. I won't morn over a man that know longer wants me.

Where now?

I am going insane with stress, I feel like my world is falling around my feet. And with every piece I feel just a little bit more alone. The thing is I have people around me. Not tons but some.
Jake is sweet as can be. He hears me when I cry, although I don't do that so much.
But my weakness is showing more and more. People say, "take it one day at a time" well..., I am. But the week has been very trying and seems to be here all on the same day.

Count your blessing is also a common response. Well ok I'll bite.
1. My Children
2. The men in my life are amazing,
A. Jake he is a silent support, he doesn't have the answer and he knows that what I need is a shoulder
B. Jason is an amazing father, he takes his time with kids and never has he tried to get out of it. He is a supportive ex. As in he doesn't talk to me about my personal life. But he picks up the kids and isn't rude or mean.
3. I have great friends, not a lot but the ones I do have are great.
4. My van is running (even if I can't afford to put gas in it)
5. I like looking at Nikkii and she is mine to look at her.
6. The rent is paid this month
7. I am in a country that allows me to go to any church I want.


Yep my bank account is still as empty as it was.
But hey 8. Insert blessing here. At least it's not negative.

Conner and Justin's birthday isn't gonna be memorable because of me. My thirty dollar saving for your present got used on the electric bill. So hopefully daddy has got something awesome and know that my love for you is way bigger then you can even comprehend.

Well there you go. And....
I'm taking it one day at a time, and I count my blessings, but blessings are a past thing... You already have it.
I need to get to the next step and be a little closer to a solution the I was yesterday. I don't need handouts I need opportunity.

I am just overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. But.... ohhhh here's another blessing. 9. I am better off then 46% of the country and yeah I made up the percentage. I have no idea what the Statistic is.

Heaven help me get though this.