Need you now

You were right i coulda changed, maybe I could cleaned just a little bit better, cooked just a little more, or got up just a little bit earlier. Maybe had I done all that you would have let me stay. But I lost you anyway. And I am pretty sure I woulda lost you anyway. Because you didn't wanna stay.

Don't like this place, someone else's life, it can't be Mine. Sometimes I still think you'll be back for more, more of the love we had before. I remember your smile in the dark. When you kissed me on the shoulder and wrap your arms around me. But you don't even think of me anymore. I know that my heart needs to move on, I could walk in your footprints. You moved on fine. Why can't i. I still want to think we could be ok. My heart wants us to be back where we were before. I'm holding out for that.

Your have a way of coming easly to me. And when you take you take the very best of me. So I start a fight cuz I'm not what you wanted. So I sit here and think about you.... Knowing I'm not what you wanted. You always had walls, they were always a dark shade. And I tried to move on from mistakes I made. But I couldn't warm you up to the warmth of the man I had before. So the cold that you turned into was all on me. But I adored you. Held you so high.... You smiled fake to get me through. But you were cold and didn't want to be with me.

No one sees trouble my world is in right now. They see a bright smile, and perky eyes. They don't see the truth. The tears behind the bright eyes and the sad behind that smile. You think that I am just a whore but maybe I am just looking for someone to love me forever. And someone to not let go. To accept me for me. To see though the fake smile and try to maybe make it real. Someday the smile is gonna come undone. And then I'll just be alone with the pain of my past eating me alive.

You hated me in heels, you never liked my songs, you never understood my smiles you always said they were faked. Maybe I smiled because I was happy, if you had been maybe you would have had one too. There are people that think I'm funny, but not you. You used to laugh, you used to love to hang out with me. But I guess not the way it is today that's not how it's gonna be anymore.

You lie next to me wishing you could disappear, the obvious is right there but we don't believe it. Honesty is hard to face right now, the floor is crumbling beneath us and we are pretending we still have a hold of it. You don't wanna let me down, but you can't do it any more. And you have a hard time telling the truth. You can't do this anymore. So you finally tell me the truth.

She pretty, she sure has a lot to say. And would really like to make me disappear. She has a way of beating me with my bruised and broken heart, she wins and lets me know every time she can. She is what you want and I guess I should have been more like her. But I guess she is what you deserve exactly what you want.

Where was I when you decided it was over, was i on the beach holding my shoes playing In the surf. Was I holding your hand walking down the boardwalk. Was I holding the 100,000.00 watch. Just for fun. Was I singing in that bar next to the beach. Where was I? Holding your newborn son? Was I on the plane riding home with memory's of the best trip ever fresh in my mind when in yours it was over.

I wish I could say sweetheart stay there, far from my heart. I know I'm gonna be ok if you just stay gone. But I can't, I love you and always will. To many ways we were perfect, to many memory's that were just gone. But your doing all those things with someone else. So I will just stay gone. Cuz you like it that way. Be happy like I couldn't make you. So I'll just stay gone.

I find myself in my mind right there in your room, laying on your bed, with my head on your chest. But I swear this is the last time. You broke my heart so I don't want to be there. You were there just one last time, knowing that in the morning you would be gone. So it was the last time, I'll put your name on my lips. I'll wake up alone, and it will be a start of healing which will take time but you won't hurt me any more.

I collapsed on the floor, I knew you were gone this time. Crying on the floor thinking you might turn around for that. I remember naming our boys. A moment I'll never forget. I'll move on exactly like you, but not till I stop loving you. I thought you believed in our love. But I was wrong, you broke my heart but I'll be ok, Someday I'll stop loving you.

This hurts it hurts like hell. But your leaving your backing down, your giving up on us. Your on the run, you laid it on the line, it's done, we will just split what we have, we I'll just back Down and walk away from this love. Cuz it wasn't enough. Not enough to hold us together. We can't make this right. Love is tough and we can't make it work, so we are gonna run.

I put away the wedding pictures and I remember the way you kiss me. I don't know why your doing this. But I know your done. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder what your thinking. I wish you would tell me to come home. But I know you want us far apart. I wonder I pray. You don't sleep alone, I do hope you cry some but I know you don't. I sometimes imagine your touch. But I push the thought away. Please remember me when you come home. Just a few times.

Picture perfect memory's scattered in my mind. Sometimes I wish I crossed your mind. But I guess you don't need me now. You started drinking, you never did before. I wonder if you do because I cross your mind. I know you'll never call cause your done with me now. I guess you feel nothing at all, I'm not alone but sometimes I need you to need me. But you won't and that's ok I guess. Most of the time I don't need you either.

I was standing there wondering what I was gonna do, but I guess there is people out there that have it way worse that I have ever had it. I have never lost my house, or my close friends. I have never had a uniform come to my door. To tell me my world was gone. I have never lost a child when I tried so hard to keep her alive. I have never watched a child fight for her life. With no Idea if she would make it home with you. So this heart ache is really nothing.

My healing is coming in its stages, sometime I think of you and get upset, our love has come to a end. But I have learned to love again. So I will be ok, we will see each other with our friends. I don't cry or drink to make if feel better. I can deal with you moving on, I know I have also. But it doesn't make it easy to think of how we didn't work. But I'm ok, but seeing you again. Sometimes hurts again.

One more day I'll sit here and watch you kiss her like you kissed me back then. I know he's happy. I know I used to know the man that's that happy with me but he's now happy with someone else, he sings and he hangs with her in places we were once together in our spot. But now I am just a old memory. Sometimes people sometimes call and say he was there with someone else and he looks like he is in love. And I'll say it ok, I'm cool.

We used to make out in public way back then. But it's been so long sense you've kissed my neck that it's like you couldn't remember to even remind me. She is the one you do that with. And it reminds me of times when we were happy. But that's a time that's past and I just let it drift back into my memory. Back where it belongs. Sometimes your late for work because spending that time with her is a reason for missing work. I remember that but I don't remind myself. No reason to. It's done and gone.

I try not to love you or need you, and I'm doing better. Cuz practice of not love you is working even more. This kind of pain time fades away which is better then loving you, I don't need you. I see the silver lining if I really open my eyes. It's gonna be ok cuz I don't love you. And it took me far, it's made me open up to love someone who loves me better then before.

I still remember the day we met, you
Loved something about me. But I don't know why you let me go. But I smiled. Cuz I knew I was strong. Men had left me, this wasn't new. You needed her. You kissed me when you said good bye, you couldn't help loving her, she was such a part of your heart, so I walked away. And let you go and stayed strong even if it hurt. I smiled so you couldn't see the hurt, or the pain it put me though. I didn't kill me so therefore I'm stronger.

You sure look good with her underneath the lights your eyes in hers under dim lights. I'm happy for you but sometimes I wish you remembered how we did that before when we loved so much it was perfect. Your arms around me like I was all your love you wanted. But it's ok you have those feelings for someone else. It's ok you act like we never loved at all. The fact you don't miss me makes me forget how you kissed me. So it helps me forget how it hurts that you act like we never loved at all.

This is hard

Ok this is hard, bare with me.

So you know everyone face books, and there are always a million shares that touch your heart, whether it be because its something your Avid about or and experience and its painful, or something you feel and never say. Or sparks a reminder of thing that you don't think about anymore.

Well tonight I got that, and as I watched this particular video a memory came back, the tears started to fall, and I was like CRAP now I'm gonna be up all night. And I'm gonna look like I'm thinking about the past. Which I guess I am. And it's over and done. I won't get or want that back. Blah blah blah. Read what you want into it It needs to be told.

So..... Jason A. Giese had been gone what seemed like forever. He was greatly missed. On the day of the night he returned. I spent time with a close friend at the movies. Enchanted, why I remember that I don't know, when it was over at about 2pm I went home. And sat down on our bed, in the home he had never lived in. I had my dressed picked out, it was black with blue trim a ribbon around the waist and that itchy shit under it that made the skirt stand out just a little. It took forever to get ready. My hair wasn't right, my world was a mess. I was shaking as I put on my makeup. I didn't know what to expect. What he would look like. Would he even be happy to see me, (the deployment hadn't gone well, and I was one of the army wives that should be killed) but I missed him.... Wanted him to hug me like in the movies, would they get off a bus, would they look tired. Would I die standing there on foot on the other waiting Chewing my nails with nerves? Yep i sure was. Got the truck all washed up, (I know he missed it like crazy) and I would deserve to have him miss it more then he did me. I sucked it up told myself I wouldn't cry. And would keep it together. So get to the gym. Out of the truck, zillion of people there. Go in. The Bleachers were out, yet a lot of wives, children, and strollers on the ground. They played songs and all that crap. Marched them in all in formation. And then the "big guy" talked I don't remember his rank, but he was LONGWINDED. He went on and on about how happy they were to be home. How they shouldn't drive, remember safety was the number one goal. I'm not sure he quite understood how all these people felt. Just shut up so we can be held by the men we missed so much, that were so close but so far away. Just shut up! (Respectful sir) finally that we're released to join their loved ones and the Chaos was overwhelming. How was I ever gonna find him! They are all in the same uniform, he's not gonna find me. Omg I'm gonna be to dressed up to even be Recognizable. Then I stood on the bottom bleacher, and there he was. Walking toward me, smile on his face, arms out. And it wasn't long before they were wrapped up in them. Together finally. We walked hand in hand to the truck. And drive home. With a stop before getting on the highway.

It was a happy moment in our... Well at least my life. I'll never forget it. Although it is Probably not something he remembers with such clarity. We have never spoke of the memory of that day.

And although its nice to reminisce. And I'll I want to do right now is to call my ex best friend and say remember when. But it wouldn't be appropriate, he isn't mine anymore and these memory's should remain alone in my head, or out of it, so others can form.

And now I need to dry these tears
Probably forget to post this blog, and go to bed like I did an hour ago. But got up for lack of the ability to sleep.

Is that because I needed to see the video that I have ignored so many times before? Is it because I needed to write this as sort of Closure on that part of my life? Or was it my Addiction to my phone that got me up and back in the living room.
Well even though it is Probably the last one. I'm going to go with the one before it. And go with closure.

Prayer

Our dear kind loving Heavenly Father,
Lord I trust in your knowledge and plans for all of your children. There are many time where we find your will to be unfair and we find our selfs asking why? I guess what I'm saying is please lord don't let this be one of those times. Wrap Your arms around Maria, her mom, and everyone that is first hand dealing and scared in this ordeal. Lord bring peace and strength as these results are given, be with the doctors and help them be smart, accurate and Lord be with Maria. Lord you helped Maria deal and get through the horrible experience of her cancer, you held her in your arms and carried her into recovery, your cured her of her disease. You held her as we all watched with no choice but to watch and trust in you. If this is another test I ask please don't. Please please have this be nothing but a random lump, I don't know what else to ask for. Please just watch over and bring strength to Maria and her mother. Had say "just kidding" I love you lord. And I ask for these things humbly in the name of your beloved son Jesus Christ amen.