Worse movie ever

Just finished "what to expect when expecting"

First I would like to say "bullshit"

My pregnancies were very different.

Justins easy, not a lot of complaints

Conners not so much, coulda done without the 18 week bed-rest hospital visit.

Things that I have been told since my kids were born that make me wanna punch someone.

1: you didn't give birth, you had a baby!
Oh I'm sorry your right I planned to have my birth plan torn up and to have him c-sectioned because my labor fucked with the doctors 4th of July plans!

2: you should sign these papers for permission to get your tubes tied when you baby is "again" c-sectioned.

Not a birth let me remind you. You have to push them out for it to count as a birth. (my now ex-husband says so)

3: you should NEVER have anymore children!
Why because the doctor that basically used scare tactics to get me in the OR. when a c-section was not needed, yet pulled the your baby isn't safe card. Which was crap! Because I was panicked, caught of guard, and scared. I didn't get a second option.

He didn't sew me up properly. So now I can not safely carry another baby.

I guess end of vent.

Kinda hard

This week has been a hard one that has led me to a complete meltdown.

Everyone has these weeks, or at least I tell myself that.

Weeks where everything is wrong, nothing goes how you expect or want it to. You lose things that you don't want to... But they move on and you don't see it coming. You see it happening, and you confront it. But are denied that it is what is really going on. Maybe your reading into it too much. But in my experience your not wrong.

People don't change unless there is a reason.

When you text/call and they always answer.. And suddenly they don't. What am I suppose to think? I'm sure your thinking.... "Well their busy of course" but I don't think so. I think that there is a reason all right. I think that under the circumstances I am right on. It's not something that suddenly happened to make them "busy". I think that they are avoiding me. Now I have been wrong. Not gonna say I am always right. Cuz I'm not. But when they get home and everything is suddenly awkwardly quiet and nothing like how it usually is. It means something is up.

So now I have a few options, brace myself for the inevitable. Hurt.

Protect yourself, stop giving things away when they will not be returned, because you know they won't. And accept that some things are gone and they are not coming back.

Understand that yes it is probably something you did, it always is right?

Except the fact that it is over, it's gone, it's done. There is no getting it back. Sometimes things just happen that way. You don't know why. You know it's your fault but you just don't know exactly what you did. That part hurts because you try to grasp what possibly could have gone wrong and how you could've changed it.

The truth is nothing can change it, you just made the decisions that you made. And unfortunately you can't undo the past you can't remake your decisions you just have to accept the consequences.

Now i do things is in this order realize it's over, grasp at what isn't yours anymore. Text to zillion times call a zillion more times until you're so upset that nothing is okay and then you're left with the image of a complete fool that just can't accept that things are over.

I this time around I'm going to try really hard to not do any of those things. Trying not to call, trying not to text, trying to not watch as they go on with their life without any thought of how you may be doing. Mostly because they don't care.

I bet That my husband wish that I had thought of all of this when we broke up huh?

Who I am

Today I got told that I am not as good as someone else. So I'm not saying I am... Cuz I'm not... Everyone is someone everyone is different, everyone has their own struggles that makes them who they are.

I am someone because...

I grew up in a home, well several homes. Enough said.

I got married young, I have had a string of very bad relationships mixed in I have had a few very good ones.

I have been loved completely, I have been hated.

I have good friends I have flakey friends i have friends that drift in and out of my life at their will.

I married a man.... Went though a deployment, made very poor decisions. Somehow got through it with my marriage intact.

I have had babies, I worked very hard to bring both of them into this world safely.

I got divorced, I was told i was not what he needed to make him happy in our marriage. That I wasn't someone he could continue to have in his life.

I then became a single mom. Which Is hard. I have my kiddos 50/50 with my ex husband of whom I hold in a very high regard. He is a good man. He has been nothing but nice and helpful and supportive of my struggle to support my children and myself.

This doesn't make me better or worse then anyone else. This makes me have a different view of life.

It makes me hold my head in a different way. It makes me walk in a different way. I dress professionally, not because I am... But because I want to be.

I am me.... I guess that is what I am saying... I am me.

Wow

So I am incapable of sitting by myself leading me to driving miles in the dark and wet. I was just telling nikkii she. Needed to calm down when I basically dumped her in the ditch lucky for us we are fine and I keep good control of her. But holy shit scary. I need to just feel normal.

I need to feel wanted, needed. I don't wanna feel thrown away anymore.

Dear lord,

I just don't know what I am feeling....

Let's start with the bad decisions I make.... Well lots of them.

I have had happiness and sadness and joy.

I have done things I never thought I could. I have struggled with small things and taken out things that are bigger then anything I have ever seen.

I am strong... Yet weak. I have talents and other shit that I don't know how to do.

I have people in my life that wanna see me fail. Something I don't like doing is failing. But yet some how I end up falling short of the bar.

It's no secret that men are not something I make good decisions with. I jump in way to fast.... And end up hurting more then I should have to.

Right now i feel like the world is punching me in the face, knocking me down to the ground and I'm jumping up yelling bring it on!!

Just to be knocked down again.

I want to be loved. I want peace. I want arms wrapped around me and to be told that it is going to be alright.

I wanna live inside a country song where the girl is loved and wanted. Where the man won't ever let here go. Where he will fight for her. Because losing her would shatter his soul.

Do men out there exists?

Do they?