7/31/12

Today was hard, I miss my husband, no not my husband. My life. I know that I am gonna be ok. Trust me I did the money numbers on paper... I'm gonna be ok. But it is hitting me pretty hard that I am alone.

Alone isn't something I ever did well. Hell I never really did it, I was with someone. I'm mean Brandon turned into Jason, turned into Dana, turned into mike, turned in to ken, turned in to Mike again, turned into Brandon again, turned into Colby, turned into Shane, turned in to Jason. That was 2003-2006. So needless to say I always had someone.

Always

Not I have two little boys that are my whole world. But it kills me to know I broke up theirs. This isn't something I asked for or wanted. But here it is. All I can do is try my best to make the best home that I can.

I go to work, I come home, I make dinner, and I put them to bed... Sleep and repeat.

Pay the bills, buy the food, hope that until I have my 10% savings cushion built up that nothing falls apart, or breaks down.

There are people that I know will be their for me. But then again....

Mostly I have me. I just hope that it won't just be me forever.

Maybe Jason will ask me out on a date if I clean my apartment enough. If I can keep everything in the right place. But I doubt it.

I don't know when he stopped loving me, but he sure did. He went to court stood there confident as a rock. No emotion. And as I left the court room I crumbled in to a puddle of tears and non coherent words and thoughts.

My life that I knew is gone now. Now I have to get a new one.


Question is what will it look like?
Who will be in it? Will they stay?


But right now I sleep alone, I cook alone, I watch tv alone. Unless it is my week. Then bring on the happiness. Cuz my baby's are home.

Awesome!!!! Suck an elf!!!!!

I have officially giving up, seriously, well it looks like I'm never ever gonna be good enough. I at least I got my kids to bed before 10. But man! I am never gonna be anyone's dream girl.

So much has changes sense I was date able. And it's unfair. 6 years ago I was beautiful, I was exciting, I was the life of the party. Not so much now. Now I am nobody's life, I shouldn't have more kids, I guess I am nothing be my beautiful boys mother.

Right now I feel like They would be better off without me in their life. I am struggling with my own demons, and I am afraid that they are winning. in never gonna be 25 again. I can't get that back. I am never gonna be amazing in bed. I am gonna be average. Nothing special not to anyone anyone. There are a few men that I always thought I would be good enough for. But they live in a different state, live a different life. And let's face a broken woman with two little boys are not what a single never married man wants.


Anyway goodnight

Wow where did that come from

My world is just a mess,

Met a guy, fell hard, and he disappeared... Leaving me going huh???

So I guess I am just gonna worry about what I can control.

That's about it.

Ahhh

So how many times am I going wake up alone and realize its ok? So far only a few times. God know I wake up on my own, In a bed way to big for one person. And sometimes I reach for him, even though he has never spent the night here, un fact now that I think about it... I have woke up alone more in this last 2 months then have in my entire life. OMG!!

I haven't been in a single state for more then a few weeks, I have always been dependent on a man. Weird.

Now don't get me wrong, I am dating this man. He allows me to call him my boyfriend. Which I think is awesome! But I don't depend on him. Hell he doesn't really ever call me. And I am unclear as to whether he thinks of me at all though out his day. When we are together we live in a magic world. It's a great world. There are explosions in our kisses. But honestly we have only had a few moments.

We had dinner, he spent the night. Woke up went to work.

Then there was the night I snuck into his bedroom and pulled up his covers up to my chin. And I got to wake up in his arms.

Then there was a moment where we met on the corner. He was on his 4 wheeler. And I flung my leg over the handle bars and sat on his lap. And kissed him. It was a kiss that I swear threw the earth off it axes.

Then the other time he met me on the same corner and I jumped on him and he held me in a kiss so long so wet so passionate that it would have gotten a Harlequin novel award. His hands on me. Every thing was awesome! As I walked away he said "see you later sweetie" and I melted. It felt like that was where I needed to be.

And the Thursday I drove to his house, and stood in his garage walking around like I hadn't entered. I stood there no knowing what I was to him, just a girl... Or a girlfriend, or some chick you woke up to that one time.

But then as I almost thought huh; this is awkward. Then he tugged on my shirt and slide me into his arms. From that point I knew I was where I was supposed to be. And I didn't ever want to leave.

I'm sorry I don't remember what the hell I was talking about. And I would like to relive that moment. When I told him I thought I lost him and he said to me... "You never lost me. You ticked me off, but never lost me" those words made me so happy I couldn't do anything but jump into his arms and hug him tell he told me to stop.


Ok goodnight that's what I am gonna think about as I drift off

Love???

Love, what is it?

Well I'll tell you what it feels like.

I feel like I am sitting in a Taylor Swift song.
He is perfect, he makes me feel sexy and beautiful, and he kisses me with passion that I know in deserve even if it has been withheld me for years.

His eyes watch me like he is afraid if he blinks he might lose track of me.

His hands touch me like he is mesmerizing me. He is amazing, I love that he knows little things, where to kiss me and make my hair stand on end. In a good way.

I can jump up on him, and he catches me and can hold onto me effortlessly and there I am legs wrapped around his waist, arms around his neck and his hands right under my ass. He makes me feel like a feather, when I know that I am anything but.

He makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I am worth more then what I thought.

He is a dream, one I hope I never wake up from.

I am falling in love, and it feels amazing! Absolutely amazing!

I hope I keep falling for a long time cuz the free fall as scary as it is. Feels great.

Today...

Let's talk about today,

Today is Thursday, I like Thursday, it's the day before Friday, and that means soon it will be the weekend... Which makes brings weekend camping trips, friends coming into town, sometimes BBQ's but mostly for most people two whole days of no work.

Yay

Tonight I get to see someone that I adore, two people actually.

One someone is my BFF that is flying in from Texas, and two the man that is slowly becoming the next thing I can't live without.

I don't know what the future will bring, but taking it one day at a time is getting easier to do. Thank God
There for a while it was one minute at a time.. Now it is only one day, and soon I am thinking it will be a whole week at a time... Until I won't have to worry.

At first sight

What is it that happens when you see someone the first time?

Do you think "hey she pretty"
His eyes are amazing

Or Maybe it's just a mystery

I don't know what he saw when he first saw me.

But I know what I saw before I even saw him.

That's all

Him

Him

Tell you a story, I found a man, he is tall with broad shoulders, hands that move around my body kinda like is trying to memorizing it.

He is honest, and real and isn't afraid to tell it like it is. He drives me crazy, when he isn't around I wish he was. When he is around I feel safe, however... I am not sure he wants to be that close to me.

So I wait for him to figure out if we are something, or just friends. Just friends is pretty much a impossible thing. I can't be friends that would kill me to much, how can you be friends with a guy you want so badly to be yours.

So now I have to let go and let what is going to happen happen.

I have a life that I am building, but there is nothing easy about any of this. I wish I could just close my eyes and take a break. Just a little one. There is so much going on, and I just want to slow down. Chill out. And preferably in his arms. But like I said I don't know if that is an option. But I prey he will say yes. Yes i want to be more then friends I want to find out where this is going. Where it might go, but he may not

And I want to know now..
But pick me isn't a statement I want to say because I am petrified of the answer.

A new ride

So today was interesting to say the least. I mean I am most definitely on the road to better things. I have a great job with great opportunities.

I have an apartment, that's right a place that is mine! I don't have share with anyone with my babies. I love them so much and it makes me feel good that I can take care of them.

I look at where I was two months ago. My husband said it was over, and not the kinda over that meant we would make up in a day or two. It was really over. I was going to have to move out, and support myself. Get my own place to live. I was petrified!

How was I going to go from house wife no matter how horrible? How was I going to just take my babies to a daycare an miss so much of their lives. I don't even know if I remember how to work. God know I was never good at it.

Yet here I am a great job, an apartment, a car that is paid for, and more shoes then you could ever want.

I am not sure how all of this happened. I know I worked hard at it.. Tons of applications, tons of resumes. A few classes. Just a lot of work. However it paid off.

I sign the lease for our new place in the morning. A two bedroom one bath apartment with a cute kitchen. No dishwasher but I think I'll live. And if I can't my boss who rocks will give me her old one.

My bed will always be cold, since my romantic imaginary friend disappeared. Which sucks I'm totally gonna miss how he kisses. I really loved how he enjoyed it. Oh well

I am really grateful to my neighbor who let us live in his house. But I super excited to not live next door to Jason. I really hate having to look at him, just hanging out going throughout his day without any sign of hurt.

So it will be nice to get out of view.

So I am moving on, out on my own. Even though I am terrified.
Then again when I was little and I first went on the zipper, I was terrified, then I went the second time it wasn't so bad. And then I loved it and It became my favorite ride.

So point being, I may be alone, I may be in a place I have never been. I may be scared, but who knows this may be my new favorite ride!

New found love

I have found the love I have always needed and it was always here, it never left and it never will. I haven't alway known what it looked like but yet it was here.

That love is me, I have always been me, always. No man can take that no man can break that. I am a strong woman that has been though a lot in here life.

I had chapter one, I married young and didn't really think it though, he left without a word. He came back only when he needed something. He used and abused my love for him over and over and over again. But I came out on top with a bruised heart. But still mendable.

Chapter 2 went a whole lot better. It started out with all the wrong choices being made, all by me. I will take the blame for that. Those choices ultimately what brought this chapter to a close. I hurt him, badly. He couldn't find it in his heart to forgive me. I know he must have tried but apparently he couldn't do that anymore. He didn't trust me. He couldn't see past the mistakes I had made. Although I quit making the mistakes and committed to him and him alone. We created a family that I will never regret nor will he. Our love is embedded in those little boys. When I look at them I know that we loved each other. He couldn't forgive and I couldn't do what he needed to be able to live and love in the same house anymore. So we split.


Now I wasn't ready to move to chapter 3 so I stayed in Limbo, I wasted two months there. I didn't have a job, a place to live, a man to love me. And I mourned over that for a long time. I even lowered myself to a whole new low as I went back and begged for sex, and comfort as opposed to facing the facts and working though the pain and moving forward.

Well I started seeing a man that did everything I needed, cuddled with me held me, kissed me like he meant it. Even occasionally allowed me to spend the night. He liked me, something I hadn't felt in quite some time. He helped me through the hard parts, he texted me, hung out with me, and yes listened to me ramble on and on and on about nothing.

I am and people person this man is not in fact in the month and a half we hung out we never went out in public.

This doesn't work for me.

So I entertained a new venue.

I went on a real date, we had never met, but he chatted all weekend, and on Monday, my first day at my new job. He picked me up and we went to dinner. He is funny, charming, good looking, has two children that he adores and is kinda awesome.

The date went well and as we sat down to watch a movie he wrapped his muscular arms around me and held me. Just held me. For a long time until I fell asleep. Now he had two choices he could have left. I was asleep therefor no longer talking, or interacting in anyway. Or stay with this stranger in his arms. She very obviously needed this. So he stayed. I woke up in the arms of a man that just held me. No other nonsense just held me.

Some of the things that came up on our date was that if Jason asked for me back would I go.

And I answered no. I have done to much to move forward. I have gotten a job. I was missing him less. And knew that I didn't want to go back.

Well, one booty call later I was left after cuddling though a movie.

This step was the end I was done. I knew that before I can truly ever be completely love I was going to have to love and respect myself first.

I needed to know what I was worth,

I am worth a lot, I am special I am unique I am amazing kind, and I give everything I have to the people I love. This didn't include the most important person in my life. ME.

My point is this.

I am important,
I deserve better then a one night stand. I deserve a man that wants to be around, that accepts that I have baggage. I have two boys. That will always come first. I am worth so much more then I have ever had.

Is Eddie the man of my dreams, will I fall head over heels for him?

These are questions I don't know the answers to that.

But I know that this is chapter 3.

And I am not going to settle for less then amazing!