Whole new meaning to taking a "step back"

Ok, taking a step back... My thoughts

Prep yourself...

So you call me up to say that you were gonna "spend the night" well guess what, The only day I work is tomorrow night. It will be late when I get home. So.... Don't act like your doing me a favor by "spending the night with me" seriously ... Dude your the lucky one. If you don't feel that way go sleep by yourself. See if I care. All get used to you not being around. If you think I won't ... Sir your insane.

If he's gonna pull this "I need to do my own thing". I'm sorry wasn't it two months ago that it was the end of the world to not spend the night together because and I quote "we would NEVER see each other" (a little dramatic sweetie). But suddenly it's fine, that's crazy. But sure we are fine? Umm I I don't think so.. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. (As my dad says, always hated that expression. A little crude I think) because fine? I think not.

Also acting like I am the annoying ex, that won't go away. And randomly stops by your work to say hi. (Cuz that's unheard of from the girl your in love with. Just Saying). I'll tell you what I don't need.... That crap.

I'm just fine on my own, I mean I'm not gonna lie.. It's gonna be rough for a while. I mean, he's been here by my side sleeping in my bed or in his depending on the week. Anyway he's been there. 8 months. So yeah it's gonna be rough conditioning myself to sleep alone.. Getting a new routine (which I'll have to do to not cry all the time). Except oh wait... That's exactly what your doing now. Except your tell me we are "fine" (again really? Are you kidding me?)

I have told you over and over at least a zillion times, don't "prep" me for a break up. Get it the fuck over with it. Because I don't need to be "prepped".

Let's face it, I've been left before. A whole lot longer of a relationship too, like 6 years.. With 2 children. One less then a year old. So it was traumatic thank you very much. So if you think you leaving me is going to devastate me then let me tell you.... Don't flatter yourself
I've been left, I've been beat up and then left, followed by dating a guy who cheated on me with his ex-wife (but I can understand that, HUGE omg maybe we can have that back). Then married, and yep you guessed it left... 6 after saying "I Do". Beat up again... And left. Treated nicely for a while and then doing the leaving. (Me getting back at the male gender) married, and yep... Thrown out. Then a relationship where I was told I wasn't good enough. In bed of all things (which is seriously total crap I'm amazing, again Just Saying). Then I was cheated on... With multiple people. Same guy fucking like 4 people. Knocking one of them up. Anyway all girls I don't feel are at all attractive, which may be me just be more full of myself then I should because if people are leaving me (there's that word again) for fat people then... We'll fill in the blanks.. (Just kidding it means I must be horrible looking) on a side note the girl my latest ex-husband chose to date after me was a 250 lb bitch with 4 count them 4 kids, all different fathers. And makes it very obvious that she and her wants are more important theirs and their well-being. But I have a zillion other blogs on that subject so we will not waste my blog space on that shiny object.

All that I am saying is I have been left, cheated on, beat up And been insulted by being traded down. Which is bad for a recently bruised and beaten heart.

Anyway back on point,

This isn't the worse thing that has or will happen to me.
But for god sake don't
D. R. A. G. I. T O. U. T
It's insulting to think that you think I can't handle life without you in it. Now if your trying to make yourself feel like your something special, believe me when I say..... I love you like crazy, but I love me more.

So just do it. End it. Call me a waste of time. Tell me I'm not worth the time to perhaps move past the point of just boyfriend and girlfriend.

And allow me to tell you in my ex-boyfriend's (Brian) (whole different blog) words. That I am lovable, sweet, and great in bed. Which at this time your not denying. In fact that may be a huge part of why I am still allowed around you anyways.

So.... I'll end with this... If this is your way or why your "stepping back" allow me to say kindly FUCK YOU very much.

End of transmission.

What now,

What am I suppose do, your stepping back. So I'll see you when I have time. No give from you. You don't have time. So I'll be alone till the boys go back and I'm free. So you think this is gonna make you feel less trapped? Is it gonna make us less us? Cuz I think it will. I guess we will see

Alone

Day 2 alone again... Well still, god I miss him. I just want him here with me. Just here. So I am once again gonna put my playlist on random and I'm gonna jot down my random sick/sad/where's the gun thoughts.

Your not here to say, what you alway said, I'm gonna break down, because I don't have you watching over me. Where's my light, the light that's become my life... All I know is your gone... And it killing me, it's killing my dreams. Somehow I'll learn to be strong. But it feels wrong to be here alone.

Well I have to go shopping but I'll have to wait till after 1 because if I run into you I'll probably break down. You say we should be friends... Well good luck pretending that we are just good friends when I'm so in love and that will never end. I'll alway remember the way you said I love you. It terrified me that it ended. And I wish I drank still cuz I could pretend it didn't end.

It sucks is can just drive by your door, the road doesn't run though.... I wish you were here in so I'm not all alone. But the last time was the last time you'll whisper my name. The last time was the last time your admit to loving me anymore.... I wish I could get you out of my head... But I can't get you out of my head. Even though your out of my bed.

The trouble with you is your always funny, even when I don't wanna laugh I do. The trouble with you is you broke my heart but your voice makes me smile with tears in my eyes. I love you so much even when your a memory. Your a hurt so deep I'm not sure ill ever get over you. I want to be in trouble in your arms. Please let me back in your arms

You and I always walked a fine line... But we fell over our fragile line... You left me alone, don't you know your all I wanted. Now all I have is my face in my hands as I watch you walk away. Don't you know I meant every word I said. But I sit here holding on to nothing. Don't leave me here like this I can't breath without you here. I know I just know your not gone... You can't be gone. I though we were good but now your gone and I'm haunted.

So you remember the day I told you I was easy to leave... And you just laughed. Telling me I was crazy... But there you go walking away like its easy. I guess I was fooling myself thinking you were different, believing you wouldn't leave me. But there you go leaving... I guess I'll just miss you here across town. Your alone no doubt but I'm the lonely one tonight.

Darling don't look now, but you just let me go. I begged you to not leave me alone. I'll just close my eyes safe in my mind. Safe and sound in my memory's of happiness. I'm gonna hang on to this memory.... I'll just close my eyes the sun will come up and I'll be safe and sound. Safe and sound. Please be safe and sound.

Pretty girl of 30 I've had some trouble with myself, I somehow always have had someone. But what I want is someone who is always there for me. I want to be loved just loved. I want to be known so well that when I go to those places where I hide but have a someone how knows where those places are. A place where is safe, to fall into. And a place where I can stay and be loved. Please love me.... You know all my secrets and you like me just fine. And you love me anyway. Are you out there??? Please love me please love let me be loved.... Please

Baby what happened seems like your running, please let me hold you, come act like you love me. Cuz god knows I love you. Let me turn you on, come let me drive you crazy. I wanna give you everything you ever wanted. Let me... We used to have all the love in the world, we could turn off the lights and light up the room, we could talk all night. But now you want me to move on with my life.... Baby how do I? How do I. Do I just turn around and walk away.... Forget about how you were all I wanted. Forgive me and give me a try. Let me be what you wanted.

I guess it's to late, your gone. I guess I need to move on. But it's hard to walk away. I still wanna talk about how we can fix it. Be what we were before. But you say it's to late. Your moving on.

I remember the night we met, you were shy but drunk enough to make me smile, I fell a little that night. I left before you did and watched breaking dawn. To stay awake for you to call. You came over and we talked forever about everything. You didn't take advantage of my lonely, it made me happy how you wanted to know me. To make sure you liked me. So we could be a sure thing. But now I'm smiling in public even though I'm dying. Help me smile.

I guess I'm not the one keep forever. I'm not the one you show off in public, you keep me hidden. But you love me like you know me and like me anyway. I guess you can't love a heart like mine. Bruised and broken now just a little more.

I miss you, the boys asked as we drove in last night where's jake, I tried to hold the tears as I told him he wasn't home yet. As I walk in there's your key. You left it there when you went. The boys waved when you left not knowing you wouldn't come back. They are young so they will forget. Until they see your truck. Then they remind me what I miss. So I'll stay in so I don't risk it. Cuz god I can't let them see me cry. Cuz they think it's their fault. But that's just me missing you every time they miss you.

It wasn't enough for me to love you, I guess it didn't matter how much I was there. You say I was alway mad, but you gave me what I want. But you think you see we aren't meant to be. I wish it was enough to see me cry for you to stay. I wish you would turn around on this one way street. Take 3 steps back on the 1 you stepped forward just take 2 steps back. See that We are meant to be.

I see you drive away, I wish it didn't end this way. Your killing me for real this time. Seems like I pick every sad movie, now I don't sleep without you here. I can remember you like the back of my hand. Even when your not there. I don't wanna hurt, I feel every little bump of this hurt, it's not simple it's not easy. I can't breathe even if I have to.... Of 2:09 am. I feel I lost my best friend. It's two 2:10 am and it's not easy for me. To sleep without you with me. God help me breathe without you cuz I have too. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Come back to me.

Momma says I just need to sleep and wake up. It will start to heal, it's gonna be ok, but this hurts and I can't hold on. Without you. It about 2 am Monday but you left on Saturday night and it feels like two minutes ago. Like I'm frozen in time. So is momma wrong? Will this be like this forever? Will it hurt like this for long?

God knows when you replace me, your gonna wish your truck wasn't so bright, cuz help her with all her

I wish you could just call me up, and ask if you could just come home. But you won't cuz you told me so, you had to go. You told me that you wouldn't come ask to come back in. You told me so, you had to go. And you broke my heart in two. I wish you would have grabbed my hand and told me I didn't have to beg. That you were gonna be here forever. But you didn't you said you said you couldn't do this again. That you could let me go and you could move on and find someone who could love you again.

There you are, I guess I knew you were gonna be here, you seem fine, but I'm here and I miss you. Your there and I miss you.

Wish I could move the room around I guess I could move the bed maybe tomorrow.

Playground is frozen it's dark and cold again. I guess I'm still breathing. Says the steam coming from my mouth. I can't just smile and not believe. I know I won't wake from this dream. No one can fix me I'm too broken, just let me cry. Suddenly I know that I'm alone although I should go home, I'm here alone cold and frozen.

I wish there was lighting in the sky. It would be like how I feel, slashes across the sky just like my heart, every crack and break would look good to me. The rain would wash away the pain. With the sky so angry it might make this go away. Every hurt feeling would wash away. Burn it away. But there's not enough rain to help wash this away. Not enough wind to blow it away. God I wish it was... Blown away..... Blow it away. God blow it away.

Lover loved you whisper in my head, but now your gone and I'm dying inside. Where are you, I need you you've torn out my heart, you leave me haunted by your love. I need you here boy. I still feel you. Where are you I need you, be near me. I need you please don't leave me here on my own.


Will I be there in the back of your mind as you move on with your life. I wish you felt shame that walking away could have been a mistake. I hope you feel bad for making me cry. I hope you see me on Sunday. The only day I dress up and look amazing. But you won't be there to see me cuz your out there having the time of your life without me in your life.

Sitting on the roof smoking a cigarette even though I quit 5 months ago. I imagine you moving on without me. Because I guess life goes on. I'll get dressed for work. And figure out how to forget you to get though the day. But I'll see you in every truck I see, cuz I just can't move on.

I guess I was drunk last night. So that text as you woke up was kind of blurred. The song on the radio, the tequila was a little strong, I said way to much if I remembered it all I would feel bad, slightly sick from my weakness, god I wish that was you. But it wasn't your sleeping away from the bar. You get up about the time I'm passing out. At least I'll say I got drunk but I don't drink so I guess I said what I felt last night.

Yeah you cross my mind only every day. I still think of me in terms of you and I think how we were an Us. We were in love. I wish god could turn back the hands of time to undo the way things when down. So that you were her to be an us. I wanna start our love again. Wish you thought of us.

Do you know the feeling. If sitting on the crumbling ledge. I swear there no healing right now. I know that it will sometimes. I know I'm not the only person that's felt like this. But I'm the only one that feels like this between us. I'll give it one more try.... Get up and shake it off, just one more time. I'll turn on the radio, I'll probably hit the bottom and then I'll swim up. And I'll see I'm not alone. I'll call someone on the telephone. And I will not be alone.

I wonder if you'll ever call me, before I call you. Because you think of me. I know you'll move on... And I'll still feel the same. Everywhere I see you in all the places that we went. I know your not there with me. I'll never see your truck as I pull into the drive. And it hurt like hell, I guess your gone and the lights go out the same, it's just more painful, the nights are cold and long as hell. Even if they never end they ate lonely. I promise I'll not think of you today. But it's a fate I'll face that I will break again. You've moved on. I need to move on. But how?

Ok that's all I got for to night, it's 3:11 am. And the boys will be up in no time. So I better sleep a little, before pancakes and eggs. Although it will be good to have the little lights of my life. Their laughter makes things hurt less. A distraction if you will.

Goodnight

Ps I love you jake, wish you were here.