How to move on

I am so confused, I am so lost, I am so scared. I have never done this before. well maybe I have. but i know i don't remember how I did it then. Throughout my life I have done a lot of things wrong. I have done a lot of things right. I have gotten lost, but found my way back.

I am again at a place where I am standing at a fork in my way. I could take a Left or a Right. but which one. Which is the best one. They say that the longer more difficult one is usually the one to take. but what if i don't know what one that is. I mean how do you let something go that you want so bad. How do you know if letting go is the right thing to do. How do you know?

I guess I could pray. I guess I could wait for everything be become clear.... but what if it doesn't. What if my dreams are just that. Dreams. What if I am no soupost to have what i desperately want? How am I going to cope with a world that doesn't have what i thought it should. I just want to Know. Like for sure KNOW. but i don't.

There are things in this world that i really want, A happy marriage. and yes a marriage. not just a "committed relationship" a marriage. and i want another baby. and i know i don't deserve either. but doesn't change the want. unfortunately you cant wish that little blue plus sign into existences. its either there or its not. and right now... well its not. and with the thought of it possible being there. and i do mean the chance that it could be.... made him FREAK OUT. he doesn't want a kid with me.. I cant make him want the same things as i do... and do i love him... YES! I do and this is killing me. but i just don't think sitting around waiting is going to work. I think i am wasting my time.

how did i come about believing this? well i ll tell you... you don't say the things he says to me when you see forever by their side. you just don't. but it doesn't change the hurt of the whole thing. I want to make him a daddy, I just want to feel wanted.. and i don't... I just don't.

Chapter 3 book 4?

Well Things have just gotten worse and worse and worse. and finally we have just had enough. well that was months ago. yet here we stand still talking, spending the night, fighting, yelling. on his work week we spend time together. his days off he always gets pissed off and spends them having "him time". well then i got a job and i am never around because i work nights and it doesn't work with his schedule i mean, he wake up and goes to work at 4am gets off work at 12pm. I get off at 4 am or 6am., go home and sleep and wake up at 12 or 1. and.... oh wait that would mean that if he stopped by after work then we would have time together. but he doesn't want to. or he would. well i have gotten really good at lying to myself this will change. but the truth is that it wont.

so tonight when i didn't raise my voice not one time. yet he yelled and got pissed off, hung up, i called to tell jokes and keep things light, and let him know that i care. and he goes on and on and on about horrible stuff. he is truly unhappy. so when he told me to quit calling him so he could forget he was mad... well i did exactly that. took his calls off my call log. blocked his number so he can't contact me. deleted his number, then his Facebook. i don't have his number memorized. so. it would take a little bit for me to find it. and maybe the little bit of thinking i have to do will denture me, and maybe i will remember he doesn't even like me. and hasn't for quite some time.

The kids and I are moving here soon, and i guess it wouldn't be hard to not leave a forwarding address. and he isn't going to look for me.

Here is my question how can you feel so bad about a relationship that has been gone for quite some time. yet here i am at work all upset because i feel a loss. a huge hole in my heart where we used to be. our year anniversary is coming up. and following that is going to be the super bowl. valentines day,. the Idairod restart, saint Patrick's day, fishing, Easter, all sorts of things we did, things we were going to do. places we wanted to go. and i swear it is going to be a horrible year. I just want to be OK again. and i don't know how to do that.

I wish i could just disappear. just get off the radar. everyone's radar.

So i guess i am closing another chapter or starting a new book. or something. but its not going to be easy. and it most likely going to suck.

This gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell, this is gonna damn near kill me. I know that this truth ain't easy, I guess that your scared of saying it's over. Cuz I don't wanna hear, baby believe me. I knew you were leaving, I gave you a really great reason. I guess love runs, I'll have to hide. This time it gonna turn away, I really tried to fight. I'm right here, I guess your going anyway. Love was tough, you gave up, you gave up on us. So take your love and run.

I Laid it on the line, the letter took all night. I thought it would make us stronger. It might just make forever longer. I know that the easy way out was to walk away. But our love was real, I really wanna save us. Baby we coulda done it, we could have got through it. But take your love and run, but you'll have to hide, because you can turn away but I'll stand here and fight. I'm gonna stay here, and I'm not going anywhere. Our love was tough, but not enough. No not for us. Take your love and run. Baby your love better run.

I wish you would come over here, and lay down in my arms, and tell me everything that's on your mind. I wouldn't run, I'm not going to hide. I'm not turning away, I'm wish I could make this right. Honey I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. My love is tough but not enough. Yep not for us. Your taking your love and you'll run.

Baby it better run.

Baby it better run.

Cuz I'll chase it. Even if it's so far that I'll never catch up.

A "I'm sorry" letter

It seems like lately, we been fighting more an' more.
Hell half the time I don't remember what we were fighting for.
So here it goes
From a woman with her heart in her hand and just one wish:
I know life and love isn't meant to be easy, but maybe we can make it easier than this.
If I quit pushing and you quit pulling,
And we stop always turning nothing into something. (And I do mean me)
If we quit saying things that always leave a mark,
I don't think love has to be so hard.

Now I know sometimes, my eyes look right through you, and it looks like I don't see all the love and support you give me.
When you're mad, there ain't nobody better, at making me feel like you just don't care.
All I want is for our love to be the way it was when we first met, and we couldn't get enough of each other. When there wasn't anything we couldn't get though. I know it isn't going be easy, but I'm just saying it think we can make it easier than this.

I just don't think we should give up yet, I mean I still love you as much as ever. I know because the minute you said we are done. My heart got this huge hole in it. Jake I'm serous. Like sick to my stomach, can't breath, what am I going to do? Who am I going to talk to when my world gets hard. How will I ever get the boys to sleep?
yes I am leaving the sexual stuff out. Because as I said earlier that part was never a problem. You know how I love it, you rock my world. And you kiss me and the world stops turning.

I'm just saying let's not do this. This is the last time I'll bring it up. This is my attempt of being rational about all of this. As I said sorry doesn't make a damn bit of difference on the situation. I was wrong. I know that. it doesn't matter what I think you did to deserve it. It was not the way you treat the man that you love. But I do love you. I want to be by your side for as long as you'll have me. And I would really like that to be far enough in the future that we don't see it.

Ok I'm done.
I love you Jake
With my endless love,
Halee

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow.
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,
And you still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed
And your mother's telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.

And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well



Let's break it down.... Shall we...

I bet you are tired from a long hard week, but I also bet she is there making it better.... Better then I ever could.

I also bet I'm alone, actually. Not just how I feel.... All the time. I also bet I wish I was in your arms. Safe and warm. Not wondering if we would work, but knowing that we vowed we would always be there for each other.
I also bet I have been drinking a lot. I bet that tomorrow is thanksgiving. I bet that I wish I was celebrating our thankfulness for our family, our love. No matter how off base. How confusing. I wish we had kept trying even when it got hard.

I wish she was me. That she wasn't what she wanted. That she wasn't better then me. That I had enough self esteem to know I was a better person. But as strong as I come off with my words... I am still the girl that is falling apart because I am the one alone while her boyfriend is off lying next to a girl that isn't me.

But I am me... The above girl... The one, alone, wishing she was someone else, wishing she was not the one with the boyfriend that was with someone else.

Now let face it tomorrow I'll be back with him. Mostly because I don't want to be alone.... Knowing your not.

I for some reason entertain the possibility that maybe some how someway you wish we could be us again.

But we can't because you would rather be with someone who would rather tear her ex apart, he's a good dad... Just exactly like you. Unlike you she puts herself first, worried about how she feels, how she looks. She doesn't think of how things are for her kids. Well I guess I wrong. Ahe worry about how her kids deal, she fakes pregnancy. Cancer, god knows what else. To get you to propose. To promise a life that would allow the life that was mine. The life that I worked for. I am the one that helped, supported him from sergeant, to staff Sargent. I'm the one that was there. Holding his hand. Carrying his kids... You'll never have that. Never have his babies inside you. I may have been on vacation in his mind... But I was still on my back missing my life. Missing my baby growing... Getting older. Learning new things. He knows what I missed. Wether he wants to or not he knows what I missed. He sent the pictures of the things that I wished I had been there for.

You maybe there now. But am the one that got you where you are. I am the one that held his hand. Loved his soul. Still does. Forever...

I will love him forever. I will forever know that he hates your heels. He hates singing at the bar. Because he hates the bar, he hates all the cocks you have sucked. He hates being reminded of all the me before him.

You will never under stand. Because you used to be someone he used to make fun of.

You used to be the girl we used to say "nice" as in you were disgusting. As in never ever be attractive.ever. Never.

Yeah I am only second bottle of wine. I am three calls too many into this thought. I want someone to want me. Anyone. Anyone. At all.

Whole new meaning to taking a "step back"

Ok, taking a step back... My thoughts

Prep yourself...

So you call me up to say that you were gonna "spend the night" well guess what, The only day I work is tomorrow night. It will be late when I get home. So.... Don't act like your doing me a favor by "spending the night with me" seriously ... Dude your the lucky one. If you don't feel that way go sleep by yourself. See if I care. All get used to you not being around. If you think I won't ... Sir your insane.

If he's gonna pull this "I need to do my own thing". I'm sorry wasn't it two months ago that it was the end of the world to not spend the night together because and I quote "we would NEVER see each other" (a little dramatic sweetie). But suddenly it's fine, that's crazy. But sure we are fine? Umm I I don't think so.. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. (As my dad says, always hated that expression. A little crude I think) because fine? I think not.

Also acting like I am the annoying ex, that won't go away. And randomly stops by your work to say hi. (Cuz that's unheard of from the girl your in love with. Just Saying). I'll tell you what I don't need.... That crap.

I'm just fine on my own, I mean I'm not gonna lie.. It's gonna be rough for a while. I mean, he's been here by my side sleeping in my bed or in his depending on the week. Anyway he's been there. 8 months. So yeah it's gonna be rough conditioning myself to sleep alone.. Getting a new routine (which I'll have to do to not cry all the time). Except oh wait... That's exactly what your doing now. Except your tell me we are "fine" (again really? Are you kidding me?)

I have told you over and over at least a zillion times, don't "prep" me for a break up. Get it the fuck over with it. Because I don't need to be "prepped".

Let's face it, I've been left before. A whole lot longer of a relationship too, like 6 years.. With 2 children. One less then a year old. So it was traumatic thank you very much. So if you think you leaving me is going to devastate me then let me tell you.... Don't flatter yourself
I've been left, I've been beat up and then left, followed by dating a guy who cheated on me with his ex-wife (but I can understand that, HUGE omg maybe we can have that back). Then married, and yep you guessed it left... 6 after saying "I Do". Beat up again... And left. Treated nicely for a while and then doing the leaving. (Me getting back at the male gender) married, and yep... Thrown out. Then a relationship where I was told I wasn't good enough. In bed of all things (which is seriously total crap I'm amazing, again Just Saying). Then I was cheated on... With multiple people. Same guy fucking like 4 people. Knocking one of them up. Anyway all girls I don't feel are at all attractive, which may be me just be more full of myself then I should because if people are leaving me (there's that word again) for fat people then... We'll fill in the blanks.. (Just kidding it means I must be horrible looking) on a side note the girl my latest ex-husband chose to date after me was a 250 lb bitch with 4 count them 4 kids, all different fathers. And makes it very obvious that she and her wants are more important theirs and their well-being. But I have a zillion other blogs on that subject so we will not waste my blog space on that shiny object.

All that I am saying is I have been left, cheated on, beat up And been insulted by being traded down. Which is bad for a recently bruised and beaten heart.

Anyway back on point,

This isn't the worse thing that has or will happen to me.
But for god sake don't
D. R. A. G. I. T O. U. T
It's insulting to think that you think I can't handle life without you in it. Now if your trying to make yourself feel like your something special, believe me when I say..... I love you like crazy, but I love me more.

So just do it. End it. Call me a waste of time. Tell me I'm not worth the time to perhaps move past the point of just boyfriend and girlfriend.

And allow me to tell you in my ex-boyfriend's (Brian) (whole different blog) words. That I am lovable, sweet, and great in bed. Which at this time your not denying. In fact that may be a huge part of why I am still allowed around you anyways.

So.... I'll end with this... If this is your way or why your "stepping back" allow me to say kindly FUCK YOU very much.

End of transmission.

What now,

What am I suppose do, your stepping back. So I'll see you when I have time. No give from you. You don't have time. So I'll be alone till the boys go back and I'm free. So you think this is gonna make you feel less trapped? Is it gonna make us less us? Cuz I think it will. I guess we will see