Chapter 3 book 4?

Well Things have just gotten worse and worse and worse. and finally we have just had enough. well that was months ago. yet here we stand still talking, spending the night, fighting, yelling. on his work week we spend time together. his days off he always gets pissed off and spends them having "him time". well then i got a job and i am never around because i work nights and it doesn't work with his schedule i mean, he wake up and goes to work at 4am gets off work at 12pm. I get off at 4 am or 6am., go home and sleep and wake up at 12 or 1. and.... oh wait that would mean that if he stopped by after work then we would have time together. but he doesn't want to. or he would. well i have gotten really good at lying to myself this will change. but the truth is that it wont.

so tonight when i didn't raise my voice not one time. yet he yelled and got pissed off, hung up, i called to tell jokes and keep things light, and let him know that i care. and he goes on and on and on about horrible stuff. he is truly unhappy. so when he told me to quit calling him so he could forget he was mad... well i did exactly that. took his calls off my call log. blocked his number so he can't contact me. deleted his number, then his Facebook. i don't have his number memorized. so. it would take a little bit for me to find it. and maybe the little bit of thinking i have to do will denture me, and maybe i will remember he doesn't even like me. and hasn't for quite some time.

The kids and I are moving here soon, and i guess it wouldn't be hard to not leave a forwarding address. and he isn't going to look for me.

Here is my question how can you feel so bad about a relationship that has been gone for quite some time. yet here i am at work all upset because i feel a loss. a huge hole in my heart where we used to be. our year anniversary is coming up. and following that is going to be the super bowl. valentines day,. the Idairod restart, saint Patrick's day, fishing, Easter, all sorts of things we did, things we were going to do. places we wanted to go. and i swear it is going to be a horrible year. I just want to be OK again. and i don't know how to do that.

I wish i could just disappear. just get off the radar. everyone's radar.

So i guess i am closing another chapter or starting a new book. or something. but its not going to be easy. and it most likely going to suck.