This gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell, this is gonna damn near kill me. I know that this truth ain't easy, I guess that your scared of saying it's over. Cuz I don't wanna hear, baby believe me. I knew you were leaving, I gave you a really great reason. I guess love runs, I'll have to hide. This time it gonna turn away, I really tried to fight. I'm right here, I guess your going anyway. Love was tough, you gave up, you gave up on us. So take your love and run.

I Laid it on the line, the letter took all night. I thought it would make us stronger. It might just make forever longer. I know that the easy way out was to walk away. But our love was real, I really wanna save us. Baby we coulda done it, we could have got through it. But take your love and run, but you'll have to hide, because you can turn away but I'll stand here and fight. I'm gonna stay here, and I'm not going anywhere. Our love was tough, but not enough. No not for us. Take your love and run. Baby your love better run.

I wish you would come over here, and lay down in my arms, and tell me everything that's on your mind. I wouldn't run, I'm not going to hide. I'm not turning away, I'm wish I could make this right. Honey I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. My love is tough but not enough. Yep not for us. Your taking your love and you'll run.

Baby it better run.

Baby it better run.

Cuz I'll chase it. Even if it's so far that I'll never catch up.

A "I'm sorry" letter

It seems like lately, we been fighting more an' more.
Hell half the time I don't remember what we were fighting for.
So here it goes
From a woman with her heart in her hand and just one wish:
I know life and love isn't meant to be easy, but maybe we can make it easier than this.
If I quit pushing and you quit pulling,
And we stop always turning nothing into something. (And I do mean me)
If we quit saying things that always leave a mark,
I don't think love has to be so hard.

Now I know sometimes, my eyes look right through you, and it looks like I don't see all the love and support you give me.
When you're mad, there ain't nobody better, at making me feel like you just don't care.
All I want is for our love to be the way it was when we first met, and we couldn't get enough of each other. When there wasn't anything we couldn't get though. I know it isn't going be easy, but I'm just saying it think we can make it easier than this.

I just don't think we should give up yet, I mean I still love you as much as ever. I know because the minute you said we are done. My heart got this huge hole in it. Jake I'm serous. Like sick to my stomach, can't breath, what am I going to do? Who am I going to talk to when my world gets hard. How will I ever get the boys to sleep?
yes I am leaving the sexual stuff out. Because as I said earlier that part was never a problem. You know how I love it, you rock my world. And you kiss me and the world stops turning.

I'm just saying let's not do this. This is the last time I'll bring it up. This is my attempt of being rational about all of this. As I said sorry doesn't make a damn bit of difference on the situation. I was wrong. I know that. it doesn't matter what I think you did to deserve it. It was not the way you treat the man that you love. But I do love you. I want to be by your side for as long as you'll have me. And I would really like that to be far enough in the future that we don't see it.

Ok I'm done.
I love you Jake
With my endless love,
Halee

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something 'bout it felt like home somehow.
And I left my scarf there at your sister's house,
And you still got it in your drawer even now.

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.
We're singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days.

And I know it's long gone,
And that magic's not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I'm not fine at all.

'Cause there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me.
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed
And your mother's telling stories about you on a tee ball team
You tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.

And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to...

'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well



Let's break it down.... Shall we...

I bet you are tired from a long hard week, but I also bet she is there making it better.... Better then I ever could.

I also bet I'm alone, actually. Not just how I feel.... All the time. I also bet I wish I was in your arms. Safe and warm. Not wondering if we would work, but knowing that we vowed we would always be there for each other.
I also bet I have been drinking a lot. I bet that tomorrow is thanksgiving. I bet that I wish I was celebrating our thankfulness for our family, our love. No matter how off base. How confusing. I wish we had kept trying even when it got hard.

I wish she was me. That she wasn't what she wanted. That she wasn't better then me. That I had enough self esteem to know I was a better person. But as strong as I come off with my words... I am still the girl that is falling apart because I am the one alone while her boyfriend is off lying next to a girl that isn't me.

But I am me... The above girl... The one, alone, wishing she was someone else, wishing she was not the one with the boyfriend that was with someone else.

Now let face it tomorrow I'll be back with him. Mostly because I don't want to be alone.... Knowing your not.

I for some reason entertain the possibility that maybe some how someway you wish we could be us again.

But we can't because you would rather be with someone who would rather tear her ex apart, he's a good dad... Just exactly like you. Unlike you she puts herself first, worried about how she feels, how she looks. She doesn't think of how things are for her kids. Well I guess I wrong. Ahe worry about how her kids deal, she fakes pregnancy. Cancer, god knows what else. To get you to propose. To promise a life that would allow the life that was mine. The life that I worked for. I am the one that helped, supported him from sergeant, to staff Sargent. I'm the one that was there. Holding his hand. Carrying his kids... You'll never have that. Never have his babies inside you. I may have been on vacation in his mind... But I was still on my back missing my life. Missing my baby growing... Getting older. Learning new things. He knows what I missed. Wether he wants to or not he knows what I missed. He sent the pictures of the things that I wished I had been there for.

You maybe there now. But am the one that got you where you are. I am the one that held his hand. Loved his soul. Still does. Forever...

I will love him forever. I will forever know that he hates your heels. He hates singing at the bar. Because he hates the bar, he hates all the cocks you have sucked. He hates being reminded of all the me before him.

You will never under stand. Because you used to be someone he used to make fun of.

You used to be the girl we used to say "nice" as in you were disgusting. As in never ever be attractive.ever. Never.

Yeah I am only second bottle of wine. I am three calls too many into this thought. I want someone to want me. Anyone. Anyone. At all.

Whole new meaning to taking a "step back"

Ok, taking a step back... My thoughts

Prep yourself...

So you call me up to say that you were gonna "spend the night" well guess what, The only day I work is tomorrow night. It will be late when I get home. So.... Don't act like your doing me a favor by "spending the night with me" seriously ... Dude your the lucky one. If you don't feel that way go sleep by yourself. See if I care. All get used to you not being around. If you think I won't ... Sir your insane.

If he's gonna pull this "I need to do my own thing". I'm sorry wasn't it two months ago that it was the end of the world to not spend the night together because and I quote "we would NEVER see each other" (a little dramatic sweetie). But suddenly it's fine, that's crazy. But sure we are fine? Umm I I don't think so.. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. (As my dad says, always hated that expression. A little crude I think) because fine? I think not.

Also acting like I am the annoying ex, that won't go away. And randomly stops by your work to say hi. (Cuz that's unheard of from the girl your in love with. Just Saying). I'll tell you what I don't need.... That crap.

I'm just fine on my own, I mean I'm not gonna lie.. It's gonna be rough for a while. I mean, he's been here by my side sleeping in my bed or in his depending on the week. Anyway he's been there. 8 months. So yeah it's gonna be rough conditioning myself to sleep alone.. Getting a new routine (which I'll have to do to not cry all the time). Except oh wait... That's exactly what your doing now. Except your tell me we are "fine" (again really? Are you kidding me?)

I have told you over and over at least a zillion times, don't "prep" me for a break up. Get it the fuck over with it. Because I don't need to be "prepped".

Let's face it, I've been left before. A whole lot longer of a relationship too, like 6 years.. With 2 children. One less then a year old. So it was traumatic thank you very much. So if you think you leaving me is going to devastate me then let me tell you.... Don't flatter yourself
I've been left, I've been beat up and then left, followed by dating a guy who cheated on me with his ex-wife (but I can understand that, HUGE omg maybe we can have that back). Then married, and yep you guessed it left... 6 after saying "I Do". Beat up again... And left. Treated nicely for a while and then doing the leaving. (Me getting back at the male gender) married, and yep... Thrown out. Then a relationship where I was told I wasn't good enough. In bed of all things (which is seriously total crap I'm amazing, again Just Saying). Then I was cheated on... With multiple people. Same guy fucking like 4 people. Knocking one of them up. Anyway all girls I don't feel are at all attractive, which may be me just be more full of myself then I should because if people are leaving me (there's that word again) for fat people then... We'll fill in the blanks.. (Just kidding it means I must be horrible looking) on a side note the girl my latest ex-husband chose to date after me was a 250 lb bitch with 4 count them 4 kids, all different fathers. And makes it very obvious that she and her wants are more important theirs and their well-being. But I have a zillion other blogs on that subject so we will not waste my blog space on that shiny object.

All that I am saying is I have been left, cheated on, beat up And been insulted by being traded down. Which is bad for a recently bruised and beaten heart.

Anyway back on point,

This isn't the worse thing that has or will happen to me.
But for god sake don't
D. R. A. G. I. T O. U. T
It's insulting to think that you think I can't handle life without you in it. Now if your trying to make yourself feel like your something special, believe me when I say..... I love you like crazy, but I love me more.

So just do it. End it. Call me a waste of time. Tell me I'm not worth the time to perhaps move past the point of just boyfriend and girlfriend.

And allow me to tell you in my ex-boyfriend's (Brian) (whole different blog) words. That I am lovable, sweet, and great in bed. Which at this time your not denying. In fact that may be a huge part of why I am still allowed around you anyways.

So.... I'll end with this... If this is your way or why your "stepping back" allow me to say kindly FUCK YOU very much.

End of transmission.

What now,

What am I suppose do, your stepping back. So I'll see you when I have time. No give from you. You don't have time. So I'll be alone till the boys go back and I'm free. So you think this is gonna make you feel less trapped? Is it gonna make us less us? Cuz I think it will. I guess we will see

Alone

Day 2 alone again... Well still, god I miss him. I just want him here with me. Just here. So I am once again gonna put my playlist on random and I'm gonna jot down my random sick/sad/where's the gun thoughts.

Your not here to say, what you alway said, I'm gonna break down, because I don't have you watching over me. Where's my light, the light that's become my life... All I know is your gone... And it killing me, it's killing my dreams. Somehow I'll learn to be strong. But it feels wrong to be here alone.

Well I have to go shopping but I'll have to wait till after 1 because if I run into you I'll probably break down. You say we should be friends... Well good luck pretending that we are just good friends when I'm so in love and that will never end. I'll alway remember the way you said I love you. It terrified me that it ended. And I wish I drank still cuz I could pretend it didn't end.

It sucks is can just drive by your door, the road doesn't run though.... I wish you were here in so I'm not all alone. But the last time was the last time you'll whisper my name. The last time was the last time your admit to loving me anymore.... I wish I could get you out of my head... But I can't get you out of my head. Even though your out of my bed.

The trouble with you is your always funny, even when I don't wanna laugh I do. The trouble with you is you broke my heart but your voice makes me smile with tears in my eyes. I love you so much even when your a memory. Your a hurt so deep I'm not sure ill ever get over you. I want to be in trouble in your arms. Please let me back in your arms

You and I always walked a fine line... But we fell over our fragile line... You left me alone, don't you know your all I wanted. Now all I have is my face in my hands as I watch you walk away. Don't you know I meant every word I said. But I sit here holding on to nothing. Don't leave me here like this I can't breath without you here. I know I just know your not gone... You can't be gone. I though we were good but now your gone and I'm haunted.

So you remember the day I told you I was easy to leave... And you just laughed. Telling me I was crazy... But there you go walking away like its easy. I guess I was fooling myself thinking you were different, believing you wouldn't leave me. But there you go leaving... I guess I'll just miss you here across town. Your alone no doubt but I'm the lonely one tonight.

Darling don't look now, but you just let me go. I begged you to not leave me alone. I'll just close my eyes safe in my mind. Safe and sound in my memory's of happiness. I'm gonna hang on to this memory.... I'll just close my eyes the sun will come up and I'll be safe and sound. Safe and sound. Please be safe and sound.

Pretty girl of 30 I've had some trouble with myself, I somehow always have had someone. But what I want is someone who is always there for me. I want to be loved just loved. I want to be known so well that when I go to those places where I hide but have a someone how knows where those places are. A place where is safe, to fall into. And a place where I can stay and be loved. Please love me.... You know all my secrets and you like me just fine. And you love me anyway. Are you out there??? Please love me please love let me be loved.... Please

Baby what happened seems like your running, please let me hold you, come act like you love me. Cuz god knows I love you. Let me turn you on, come let me drive you crazy. I wanna give you everything you ever wanted. Let me... We used to have all the love in the world, we could turn off the lights and light up the room, we could talk all night. But now you want me to move on with my life.... Baby how do I? How do I. Do I just turn around and walk away.... Forget about how you were all I wanted. Forgive me and give me a try. Let me be what you wanted.

I guess it's to late, your gone. I guess I need to move on. But it's hard to walk away. I still wanna talk about how we can fix it. Be what we were before. But you say it's to late. Your moving on.

I remember the night we met, you were shy but drunk enough to make me smile, I fell a little that night. I left before you did and watched breaking dawn. To stay awake for you to call. You came over and we talked forever about everything. You didn't take advantage of my lonely, it made me happy how you wanted to know me. To make sure you liked me. So we could be a sure thing. But now I'm smiling in public even though I'm dying. Help me smile.

I guess I'm not the one keep forever. I'm not the one you show off in public, you keep me hidden. But you love me like you know me and like me anyway. I guess you can't love a heart like mine. Bruised and broken now just a little more.

I miss you, the boys asked as we drove in last night where's jake, I tried to hold the tears as I told him he wasn't home yet. As I walk in there's your key. You left it there when you went. The boys waved when you left not knowing you wouldn't come back. They are young so they will forget. Until they see your truck. Then they remind me what I miss. So I'll stay in so I don't risk it. Cuz god I can't let them see me cry. Cuz they think it's their fault. But that's just me missing you every time they miss you.

It wasn't enough for me to love you, I guess it didn't matter how much I was there. You say I was alway mad, but you gave me what I want. But you think you see we aren't meant to be. I wish it was enough to see me cry for you to stay. I wish you would turn around on this one way street. Take 3 steps back on the 1 you stepped forward just take 2 steps back. See that We are meant to be.

I see you drive away, I wish it didn't end this way. Your killing me for real this time. Seems like I pick every sad movie, now I don't sleep without you here. I can remember you like the back of my hand. Even when your not there. I don't wanna hurt, I feel every little bump of this hurt, it's not simple it's not easy. I can't breathe even if I have to.... Of 2:09 am. I feel I lost my best friend. It's two 2:10 am and it's not easy for me. To sleep without you with me. God help me breathe without you cuz I have too. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Come back to me.

Momma says I just need to sleep and wake up. It will start to heal, it's gonna be ok, but this hurts and I can't hold on. Without you. It about 2 am Monday but you left on Saturday night and it feels like two minutes ago. Like I'm frozen in time. So is momma wrong? Will this be like this forever? Will it hurt like this for long?

God knows when you replace me, your gonna wish your truck wasn't so bright, cuz help her with all her

I wish you could just call me up, and ask if you could just come home. But you won't cuz you told me so, you had to go. You told me that you wouldn't come ask to come back in. You told me so, you had to go. And you broke my heart in two. I wish you would have grabbed my hand and told me I didn't have to beg. That you were gonna be here forever. But you didn't you said you said you couldn't do this again. That you could let me go and you could move on and find someone who could love you again.

There you are, I guess I knew you were gonna be here, you seem fine, but I'm here and I miss you. Your there and I miss you.

Wish I could move the room around I guess I could move the bed maybe tomorrow.

Playground is frozen it's dark and cold again. I guess I'm still breathing. Says the steam coming from my mouth. I can't just smile and not believe. I know I won't wake from this dream. No one can fix me I'm too broken, just let me cry. Suddenly I know that I'm alone although I should go home, I'm here alone cold and frozen.

I wish there was lighting in the sky. It would be like how I feel, slashes across the sky just like my heart, every crack and break would look good to me. The rain would wash away the pain. With the sky so angry it might make this go away. Every hurt feeling would wash away. Burn it away. But there's not enough rain to help wash this away. Not enough wind to blow it away. God I wish it was... Blown away..... Blow it away. God blow it away.

Lover loved you whisper in my head, but now your gone and I'm dying inside. Where are you, I need you you've torn out my heart, you leave me haunted by your love. I need you here boy. I still feel you. Where are you I need you, be near me. I need you please don't leave me here on my own.


Will I be there in the back of your mind as you move on with your life. I wish you felt shame that walking away could have been a mistake. I hope you feel bad for making me cry. I hope you see me on Sunday. The only day I dress up and look amazing. But you won't be there to see me cuz your out there having the time of your life without me in your life.

Sitting on the roof smoking a cigarette even though I quit 5 months ago. I imagine you moving on without me. Because I guess life goes on. I'll get dressed for work. And figure out how to forget you to get though the day. But I'll see you in every truck I see, cuz I just can't move on.

I guess I was drunk last night. So that text as you woke up was kind of blurred. The song on the radio, the tequila was a little strong, I said way to much if I remembered it all I would feel bad, slightly sick from my weakness, god I wish that was you. But it wasn't your sleeping away from the bar. You get up about the time I'm passing out. At least I'll say I got drunk but I don't drink so I guess I said what I felt last night.

Yeah you cross my mind only every day. I still think of me in terms of you and I think how we were an Us. We were in love. I wish god could turn back the hands of time to undo the way things when down. So that you were her to be an us. I wanna start our love again. Wish you thought of us.

Do you know the feeling. If sitting on the crumbling ledge. I swear there no healing right now. I know that it will sometimes. I know I'm not the only person that's felt like this. But I'm the only one that feels like this between us. I'll give it one more try.... Get up and shake it off, just one more time. I'll turn on the radio, I'll probably hit the bottom and then I'll swim up. And I'll see I'm not alone. I'll call someone on the telephone. And I will not be alone.

I wonder if you'll ever call me, before I call you. Because you think of me. I know you'll move on... And I'll still feel the same. Everywhere I see you in all the places that we went. I know your not there with me. I'll never see your truck as I pull into the drive. And it hurt like hell, I guess your gone and the lights go out the same, it's just more painful, the nights are cold and long as hell. Even if they never end they ate lonely. I promise I'll not think of you today. But it's a fate I'll face that I will break again. You've moved on. I need to move on. But how?

Ok that's all I got for to night, it's 3:11 am. And the boys will be up in no time. So I better sleep a little, before pancakes and eggs. Although it will be good to have the little lights of my life. Their laughter makes things hurt less. A distraction if you will.

Goodnight

Ps I love you jake, wish you were here.

Need you now

You were right i coulda changed, maybe I could cleaned just a little bit better, cooked just a little more, or got up just a little bit earlier. Maybe had I done all that you would have let me stay. But I lost you anyway. And I am pretty sure I woulda lost you anyway. Because you didn't wanna stay.

Don't like this place, someone else's life, it can't be Mine. Sometimes I still think you'll be back for more, more of the love we had before. I remember your smile in the dark. When you kissed me on the shoulder and wrap your arms around me. But you don't even think of me anymore. I know that my heart needs to move on, I could walk in your footprints. You moved on fine. Why can't i. I still want to think we could be ok. My heart wants us to be back where we were before. I'm holding out for that.

Your have a way of coming easly to me. And when you take you take the very best of me. So I start a fight cuz I'm not what you wanted. So I sit here and think about you.... Knowing I'm not what you wanted. You always had walls, they were always a dark shade. And I tried to move on from mistakes I made. But I couldn't warm you up to the warmth of the man I had before. So the cold that you turned into was all on me. But I adored you. Held you so high.... You smiled fake to get me through. But you were cold and didn't want to be with me.

No one sees trouble my world is in right now. They see a bright smile, and perky eyes. They don't see the truth. The tears behind the bright eyes and the sad behind that smile. You think that I am just a whore but maybe I am just looking for someone to love me forever. And someone to not let go. To accept me for me. To see though the fake smile and try to maybe make it real. Someday the smile is gonna come undone. And then I'll just be alone with the pain of my past eating me alive.

You hated me in heels, you never liked my songs, you never understood my smiles you always said they were faked. Maybe I smiled because I was happy, if you had been maybe you would have had one too. There are people that think I'm funny, but not you. You used to laugh, you used to love to hang out with me. But I guess not the way it is today that's not how it's gonna be anymore.

You lie next to me wishing you could disappear, the obvious is right there but we don't believe it. Honesty is hard to face right now, the floor is crumbling beneath us and we are pretending we still have a hold of it. You don't wanna let me down, but you can't do it any more. And you have a hard time telling the truth. You can't do this anymore. So you finally tell me the truth.

She pretty, she sure has a lot to say. And would really like to make me disappear. She has a way of beating me with my bruised and broken heart, she wins and lets me know every time she can. She is what you want and I guess I should have been more like her. But I guess she is what you deserve exactly what you want.

Where was I when you decided it was over, was i on the beach holding my shoes playing In the surf. Was I holding your hand walking down the boardwalk. Was I holding the 100,000.00 watch. Just for fun. Was I singing in that bar next to the beach. Where was I? Holding your newborn son? Was I on the plane riding home with memory's of the best trip ever fresh in my mind when in yours it was over.

I wish I could say sweetheart stay there, far from my heart. I know I'm gonna be ok if you just stay gone. But I can't, I love you and always will. To many ways we were perfect, to many memory's that were just gone. But your doing all those things with someone else. So I will just stay gone. Cuz you like it that way. Be happy like I couldn't make you. So I'll just stay gone.

I find myself in my mind right there in your room, laying on your bed, with my head on your chest. But I swear this is the last time. You broke my heart so I don't want to be there. You were there just one last time, knowing that in the morning you would be gone. So it was the last time, I'll put your name on my lips. I'll wake up alone, and it will be a start of healing which will take time but you won't hurt me any more.

I collapsed on the floor, I knew you were gone this time. Crying on the floor thinking you might turn around for that. I remember naming our boys. A moment I'll never forget. I'll move on exactly like you, but not till I stop loving you. I thought you believed in our love. But I was wrong, you broke my heart but I'll be ok, Someday I'll stop loving you.

This hurts it hurts like hell. But your leaving your backing down, your giving up on us. Your on the run, you laid it on the line, it's done, we will just split what we have, we I'll just back Down and walk away from this love. Cuz it wasn't enough. Not enough to hold us together. We can't make this right. Love is tough and we can't make it work, so we are gonna run.

I put away the wedding pictures and I remember the way you kiss me. I don't know why your doing this. But I know your done. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder what your thinking. I wish you would tell me to come home. But I know you want us far apart. I wonder I pray. You don't sleep alone, I do hope you cry some but I know you don't. I sometimes imagine your touch. But I push the thought away. Please remember me when you come home. Just a few times.

Picture perfect memory's scattered in my mind. Sometimes I wish I crossed your mind. But I guess you don't need me now. You started drinking, you never did before. I wonder if you do because I cross your mind. I know you'll never call cause your done with me now. I guess you feel nothing at all, I'm not alone but sometimes I need you to need me. But you won't and that's ok I guess. Most of the time I don't need you either.

I was standing there wondering what I was gonna do, but I guess there is people out there that have it way worse that I have ever had it. I have never lost my house, or my close friends. I have never had a uniform come to my door. To tell me my world was gone. I have never lost a child when I tried so hard to keep her alive. I have never watched a child fight for her life. With no Idea if she would make it home with you. So this heart ache is really nothing.

My healing is coming in its stages, sometime I think of you and get upset, our love has come to a end. But I have learned to love again. So I will be ok, we will see each other with our friends. I don't cry or drink to make if feel better. I can deal with you moving on, I know I have also. But it doesn't make it easy to think of how we didn't work. But I'm ok, but seeing you again. Sometimes hurts again.

One more day I'll sit here and watch you kiss her like you kissed me back then. I know he's happy. I know I used to know the man that's that happy with me but he's now happy with someone else, he sings and he hangs with her in places we were once together in our spot. But now I am just a old memory. Sometimes people sometimes call and say he was there with someone else and he looks like he is in love. And I'll say it ok, I'm cool.

We used to make out in public way back then. But it's been so long sense you've kissed my neck that it's like you couldn't remember to even remind me. She is the one you do that with. And it reminds me of times when we were happy. But that's a time that's past and I just let it drift back into my memory. Back where it belongs. Sometimes your late for work because spending that time with her is a reason for missing work. I remember that but I don't remind myself. No reason to. It's done and gone.

I try not to love you or need you, and I'm doing better. Cuz practice of not love you is working even more. This kind of pain time fades away which is better then loving you, I don't need you. I see the silver lining if I really open my eyes. It's gonna be ok cuz I don't love you. And it took me far, it's made me open up to love someone who loves me better then before.

I still remember the day we met, you
Loved something about me. But I don't know why you let me go. But I smiled. Cuz I knew I was strong. Men had left me, this wasn't new. You needed her. You kissed me when you said good bye, you couldn't help loving her, she was such a part of your heart, so I walked away. And let you go and stayed strong even if it hurt. I smiled so you couldn't see the hurt, or the pain it put me though. I didn't kill me so therefore I'm stronger.

You sure look good with her underneath the lights your eyes in hers under dim lights. I'm happy for you but sometimes I wish you remembered how we did that before when we loved so much it was perfect. Your arms around me like I was all your love you wanted. But it's ok you have those feelings for someone else. It's ok you act like we never loved at all. The fact you don't miss me makes me forget how you kissed me. So it helps me forget how it hurts that you act like we never loved at all.

This is hard

Ok this is hard, bare with me.

So you know everyone face books, and there are always a million shares that touch your heart, whether it be because its something your Avid about or and experience and its painful, or something you feel and never say. Or sparks a reminder of thing that you don't think about anymore.

Well tonight I got that, and as I watched this particular video a memory came back, the tears started to fall, and I was like CRAP now I'm gonna be up all night. And I'm gonna look like I'm thinking about the past. Which I guess I am. And it's over and done. I won't get or want that back. Blah blah blah. Read what you want into it It needs to be told.

So..... Jason A. Giese had been gone what seemed like forever. He was greatly missed. On the day of the night he returned. I spent time with a close friend at the movies. Enchanted, why I remember that I don't know, when it was over at about 2pm I went home. And sat down on our bed, in the home he had never lived in. I had my dressed picked out, it was black with blue trim a ribbon around the waist and that itchy shit under it that made the skirt stand out just a little. It took forever to get ready. My hair wasn't right, my world was a mess. I was shaking as I put on my makeup. I didn't know what to expect. What he would look like. Would he even be happy to see me, (the deployment hadn't gone well, and I was one of the army wives that should be killed) but I missed him.... Wanted him to hug me like in the movies, would they get off a bus, would they look tired. Would I die standing there on foot on the other waiting Chewing my nails with nerves? Yep i sure was. Got the truck all washed up, (I know he missed it like crazy) and I would deserve to have him miss it more then he did me. I sucked it up told myself I wouldn't cry. And would keep it together. So get to the gym. Out of the truck, zillion of people there. Go in. The Bleachers were out, yet a lot of wives, children, and strollers on the ground. They played songs and all that crap. Marched them in all in formation. And then the "big guy" talked I don't remember his rank, but he was LONGWINDED. He went on and on about how happy they were to be home. How they shouldn't drive, remember safety was the number one goal. I'm not sure he quite understood how all these people felt. Just shut up so we can be held by the men we missed so much, that were so close but so far away. Just shut up! (Respectful sir) finally that we're released to join their loved ones and the Chaos was overwhelming. How was I ever gonna find him! They are all in the same uniform, he's not gonna find me. Omg I'm gonna be to dressed up to even be Recognizable. Then I stood on the bottom bleacher, and there he was. Walking toward me, smile on his face, arms out. And it wasn't long before they were wrapped up in them. Together finally. We walked hand in hand to the truck. And drive home. With a stop before getting on the highway.

It was a happy moment in our... Well at least my life. I'll never forget it. Although it is Probably not something he remembers with such clarity. We have never spoke of the memory of that day.

And although its nice to reminisce. And I'll I want to do right now is to call my ex best friend and say remember when. But it wouldn't be appropriate, he isn't mine anymore and these memory's should remain alone in my head, or out of it, so others can form.

And now I need to dry these tears
Probably forget to post this blog, and go to bed like I did an hour ago. But got up for lack of the ability to sleep.

Is that because I needed to see the video that I have ignored so many times before? Is it because I needed to write this as sort of Closure on that part of my life? Or was it my Addiction to my phone that got me up and back in the living room.
Well even though it is Probably the last one. I'm going to go with the one before it. And go with closure.

Prayer

Our dear kind loving Heavenly Father,
Lord I trust in your knowledge and plans for all of your children. There are many time where we find your will to be unfair and we find our selfs asking why? I guess what I'm saying is please lord don't let this be one of those times. Wrap Your arms around Maria, her mom, and everyone that is first hand dealing and scared in this ordeal. Lord bring peace and strength as these results are given, be with the doctors and help them be smart, accurate and Lord be with Maria. Lord you helped Maria deal and get through the horrible experience of her cancer, you held her in your arms and carried her into recovery, your cured her of her disease. You held her as we all watched with no choice but to watch and trust in you. If this is another test I ask please don't. Please please have this be nothing but a random lump, I don't know what else to ask for. Please just watch over and bring strength to Maria and her mother. Had say "just kidding" I love you lord. And I ask for these things humbly in the name of your beloved son Jesus Christ amen.

Pain

Pain, not something I have ever tolerated well. And right now my heart hurts. I live for my kids, but I'm alone in this I have to teach them. Right from wrong... How to love, how to care. And sure I'm not their only parent. But I can't help wish we were a family again. But that isn't gonna happen. He has moved on. As have I. I'm happy most of the time. Not today when I'm second on the list of people that is important in their life.
I have become friends with the woman he is with. It's not that bad. She is nice. Sometimes she does stupid shit. But who doesn't right, (I know I've been dumb zillion times) we all make mistakes and when we do you have live with them. I wish I could find some peace in this. But it is escaping me. I guess I should read my scriptures that will make things clearer of something. Faith is something i have a lot of. Not knowing but hoping. Knowing that Heavenly Father will make it better. I don't know how. But somehow he will. Just not right now. And I pray that I will grow into the woman he wants me to be... But right now my faith is faltering. Like a object that you hold onto. That suddenly turns to water or dust. That the harder you hang on the faster it escapes your fingers. And just letting go.... Just the thought of it hurts, causes pain that leaves you sitting in a corner with your arms around your own legs hoping that somehow it will be ok. So here I sit.

And old note I wrote myself

Heartbreak doesn't let you know it's coming, it doesn't signal or call ahead. It just swoops in and announces itself. The receiver is left with a empty spot that used to be full.

They say time heals all wounds, in my experience this is true. Although the road isn't an easy one.

I have recently been told that the weeks before were in fact not factual. The words of family, and a life together were taken back. Just like that.

I asked over and over again if he could look me in the eye and tell me that he didn't love me anymore. Tell me that you don't think of me, that you know that this really something you won't regret later. Is it?

This puts me in an awkward place in life. One that leaves me sad and empty. I walk around and feel somehow incomplete. Something missing. Something BIG. Significant.

My world right now is blessed. I have friends, children that I get to hold close. And I have known love in my life. I can honestly say I have loved. I think I have been loved in return. I tell myself you can't blame people for how they don't feel. But you have to take that knowledge and accept it.

This is harder than it looks accepting this thought with grace is not something I am good at. I tell myself I won't cry. I won't morn over a man that know longer wants me.

Where now?

I am going insane with stress, I feel like my world is falling around my feet. And with every piece I feel just a little bit more alone. The thing is I have people around me. Not tons but some.
Jake is sweet as can be. He hears me when I cry, although I don't do that so much.
But my weakness is showing more and more. People say, "take it one day at a time" well..., I am. But the week has been very trying and seems to be here all on the same day.

Count your blessing is also a common response. Well ok I'll bite.
1. My Children
2. The men in my life are amazing,
A. Jake he is a silent support, he doesn't have the answer and he knows that what I need is a shoulder
B. Jason is an amazing father, he takes his time with kids and never has he tried to get out of it. He is a supportive ex. As in he doesn't talk to me about my personal life. But he picks up the kids and isn't rude or mean.
3. I have great friends, not a lot but the ones I do have are great.
4. My van is running (even if I can't afford to put gas in it)
5. I like looking at Nikkii and she is mine to look at her.
6. The rent is paid this month
7. I am in a country that allows me to go to any church I want.


Yep my bank account is still as empty as it was.
But hey 8. Insert blessing here. At least it's not negative.

Conner and Justin's birthday isn't gonna be memorable because of me. My thirty dollar saving for your present got used on the electric bill. So hopefully daddy has got something awesome and know that my love for you is way bigger then you can even comprehend.

Well there you go. And....
I'm taking it one day at a time, and I count my blessings, but blessings are a past thing... You already have it.
I need to get to the next step and be a little closer to a solution the I was yesterday. I don't need handouts I need opportunity.

I am just overwhelmed, really overwhelmed. But.... ohhhh here's another blessing. 9. I am better off then 46% of the country and yeah I made up the percentage. I have no idea what the Statistic is.

Heaven help me get though this.

This is me.

I'm Halee,
I spend a lot of time scared,
I worry about everyone that's close to me.
I love with every thing I have.
I am lost in my own pain a lot and i feel bad about that.
I am more comfortable with someone around then I am alone. (Even if they aren't good for me) cough* Erin
My children have more faith in me then I do. It scares me to think I can't provide for them. And sometimes I feel like I can't.
I am trying to get into Heavenly fathers good graces.
Carrie underwood's song It starts with goodbye is playing on pandora right now. And I'm thinking.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry. And let go of some things I love to get to the other side. I guess it's gonna break me down, that moment when your trying to fly, it's sad but sometime moving on with the rest of your life. Starts with goodbye.

Like I am connecting with the song in ways that I haven't before. That song has always meant a lot to me. You know the kind. You turn it way up and sing it through tears. And you don't really know why.

Alone isn't something I have ever done for more then a week at a time.

But I feel alone in a crowded room
Even with people that care for me right there. I don't get it.

People come and go in life..... A lot.
People you think are gone. Have been forever, swore were done with you suddenly see you and then don't remember how bad it was. And think oh that might be fun.

Well I don't have time for fun. I want real. Real i can't live life happily if your not around. And I am not going to find that in someone that left me on their own accord. So... Why on earth would that be something I would do.... Let you tear me down again.

I'm not saying you haven't changed into a wonderful man... One that broke my heart. And some ribs.

I understand that you think that your amazing, you are built way different the the man I'm dating. You think that you should be given a chance to be with me again. Ok.... I am pretty sure I enjoy having my life without having to worry about having my body being dragged by my hair down the hall. If I remember correctly that happened because you team lost the Super Bowl. I mean really? Your abusive I promise I didn't have anything to so with the game.

So ok, your awesome, your better the. My boyfriend, I don't deserve even the man I'm with because if Jason threw me away I must be worthless. Well guess what. Jason didn't throw me anywhere. He in loving and kind form decided that he was unhappy and that our kiddos deserved to have parents that loved one another. Even though we can't live together. Sure there are some awkward stuff. Even tense stuff. But we make it through it because we are friends. Jason taught me my worth. I am worth having happiness. I am worth love that makes me shiver. I am worth fighting for. I am worth everything I deserve that I don't know i deserve. Is the guy I'm dating the one I will have for ever? I don't know. We will find out one day at a time. Right now it is pretty rocky. We are finding out what our roles are. I am trying to run. He says um No. We have this. Calm down relax and we can talk about this till we are ok in our heads. (But mostly mine) when the kiddos won't go to be like they should he steps in and says kindly your momma asked you to do something, Justin what was it? "To go to bed" are you doing that? "No" you think maybe you should give it a try? "Yes" "Conner lay down its night night time" as the night night is thrown at Conner. He is amazing. Like how Jason would have done it. And Jason is an amazing father. So a whole new side of jake is immersing. I like it. And I think Jason would approve.

Jason, well I do miss him. But when we divorced we made the decision that we as an us was no longer the best for our family. So we split our things fairly. And that means we are ok. I believe he wants me to find happiness. As I do for him. He is the best man I could have had children with. I don't regret anything. Change things? Yes I would. I would go back to 2006 and do the whole year different. Because Jason deserved better. If I had done it the way I should have. I would be married right now. But then jake wouldn't have met me. Maybe I am Supposed to be here for him. Maybe my road was alway meant to lead me here. I'll find our one day at a time. If I died tonight I would worry about my boys. But I have been loved, cared about, independent, taken care of. I've been wild, I've been calm (sometimes minutes apart) I have lived in the middle class, the poverty class, and the high end of things. I have stayed away from drugs, carried two boys into this world from Gods arms to their fathers arms to my arms. That will alway be the happiest moment of my life.
So you say I should be with you despite every thing that you were. Every thing that was wrong is fixed. Well that's great. I'm happy your happy with the way your life is going. But that's not a place I will be going. I have worth. Heavenly Father wants me to be a princes, my mother wants me to stay alive, my dad wants me to be happy. And I want to be with someone who knows that I am in deed a child of god. And he sent me her to go through my trials that are in front of me as well as the ones behind. And he has my back, and he brings strength to me when I have no hope.
He reminds me that "faith is not the perfect knowledge of things; therefor if you have faith you hope for the things that are not seen which are true. Alma 32:21
That is all I have tonight.

My life

Ok so I went off on the ex-husbands new girlfriend, now I am gonna say some stuff on more important stuff.

My world, the one I am learning all about, as I said before, just like Jason I am in a completely new game.

I am not 24 anymore, I am a mom of two amazing boys.
Conner: who is the spitting image of me. (I'm sure that's gonna be a problem later). He has type one diabetes, he is sweet, he cleans everything, (that's not like me) he loves his brother, his daddy, and of course his momma. Most people know how hard it was to get him here safely, I have a whole blog on it as a matter of fact. Lol so it surprises me very little that he is so attached to me. And we have a very special close relationship.

Justin: he is the spitting image of Jason. And if I'm lucky he will have his disposition also. Because his daddy is awesome. He also is a sweet, loving, kind hearted boy, he loves his daddy, brother, and sometimes his momma. Lol just kidding he loves me all the time. But he favors his daddy. He has some speech delays but is becoming quite the little talker. I am pretty much proud of him all the time. He is a very smart kid. And it's like all this time he was just taking everything in. He comes up with new awesome and at times hilarious stuff everyday.

Jason: the ex husband:
He is amazing, I couldn't have picked a better man to have children with. He is kind and loving and an amazing father. When we split, I never at anytime wondered if he was actually gonna do his 50%. Or pay his child support. I knew he would. I also knew that he wasn't ever gonna let us drowned. Now we have been split for almost a year now.
May 6 th 2012 he asked for a divorce. And for a month I asked if that was really what he wanted. His mind never changed. So we got divorced quietly July 28th 2012.

Sense then life hasn't been easy, I have learned things, most things all over again. Lessons I learned once but forgot. Kinda like high school algebra (cuz they lied when they said you would use that) unless your a math major or an accountant, or a math professor. One was you can't just date anyone. People lie, people will try to take the best of you.

For instants, yep I'm gonna call um out. (Did you expect anything less)

Erin,
Oh lord, Erin, he is the classic first try at dating, well second... But Ted really isn't worth mentioning. But that one has really funny/sick story's in it so... You might hear about it later. But back to Erin, he lived, still lives next door. He helped me into the job at the fair. Let me cry on his shoulder, over Ted, (which FYI not worth the tears.)
He gave amazing back rubs and was good in bed. All the right stuff right? Um no. Because he was good in bed to everyone, like seriously. Everyone. In our relationship he made sure that he slept with his ex, while texting me "he's not that kinda guy" but what did I expect? Him to say.. Yep I am cheating on you. How did you guess.. Of which in would have answered well you left to do laundry, and it doesn't take a whole weekend. Other then that He was pretty much was awesome, he didn't work so he had Infinite time to spend with me. I enjoyed that. Feeling loved was awesome. He made the best pancakes. He drove when I didn't want too, it was pretty awesome. But I am worth more then what he was doing behind his closed doors.

Travis:
He was so good at the spending money on me.... But he was gone all the time. Never around means little time to truly get attached. I really tried to fall in love. But it was not happening. Now he helped me with my bills and spend LOTS of money on me. So I just stayed with him. Not nice... Cuz he was attached. He was also a complete control freak. He would call and I would be out and about doctors offices, or Walmart, job hunting and so forth. And he would always ask what time I left. Or where were you? I got really sick of it. Anytime he drank he wasn't nice. He would make statements that he wanted me to spend the night. And that's not something I wanted to do. Once it led to me walking home in minus degree temps and him not allowing me to call a cab. Yep it led to frostbite on my feet. Awesome for my diabetic feet. And when he got home on his R&R he pushed me to put out. Which really made me not wanna. So.... I finally said its over about the time that he yelled at me in front of my kids. Demanding all sorts of ridiculous orders. So we left, it was Christmas for Christ sake. And all the kids toys were left there, and he wouldn't bring them back. So I said I was done. And he went to work and I packed my shit and was gone.

Ted:
He was before Erin, he was nice and we dated a while before sleeping together. But once we did. He told me that we weren't compatible. Needless to say this confused me. A lot. But then I found out he was in to some major kink. Like peeing on me, taking me by force with a mask on, tying me up, holding a loaded weapon to my head while getting blown... So that was that. Who needs that shit. In don't want someone to explain to my mom why my brains are all over the wall and why there seems to be semen In my mouth. Not to mention he borrowed money that I didn't have And had no intent to pay it back.

Now I am dating Jake, which for lack of a better word is amazing. He is kind and loving. He waited to sleep with me too, which made me feel special. Like I was worth doing this relationship slow to make sure it was something we both wanted. Sense then life has been awesome. He isn't financially taking care of me. Just emotionally. He listens when I talk, and is respectful and kind. The kids like him. And he Always finds his way home at night even if he does things for himself during the day. He is always saying that he doesn't want me to hide all my crazy. He wants to get to know me. The me I am when no ones around.

Other things I have learned are that...

The people that love you, will always love you. If they suddenly don't, they never really did. The kind of love can change. But love doesn't.

The first year is the hardest, this is true for marriage.. As well and after a divorce.

Time spent one on one is healthy, but remember to do it with yourself. Because you are who you can always count on. People will come and go. But you will always be there... Unless your insane then well... I don't know what to tell you.

Sometimes your sad. This is to be expected, your starting over again. Which means something in your life you started.... Ended. That's sad. Cry if you need. But don't cry constantly. Eventually you have to move on. And the sooner the better. This whole you need to spend a "year single for every year married" is complete bullshit. Sorry gramma but it is. Don't just jump into bed with everyone. But go out there. See how it feels, cuz the sooner you move on the sooner you heal. Or something. I'm not sure I have all that right. But then again I am wrong alot.

Which brings me to my next point.

You can be wrong, you can even admit it. Mistakes happen. It's how you know your trying. Without being wrong we would never learn anything.

Don't sell yourself short. EVER you don't know what your capable of until BAM holy crap I rock at that!! And you find that out by trying

Pray. It goes along way. Weather you believe in God or just believe in yourself, you Subconsciously giving yourself strength. I personally think God has a huge hand in life. And just like your best friend you like to hear from them. So does God. Just Saying

Ok so not super funny this time around but I think humor all the time takes away from the real ness of certain topics.
The end