This is me.

I'm Halee,
I spend a lot of time scared,
I worry about everyone that's close to me.
I love with every thing I have.
I am lost in my own pain a lot and i feel bad about that.
I am more comfortable with someone around then I am alone. (Even if they aren't good for me) cough* Erin
My children have more faith in me then I do. It scares me to think I can't provide for them. And sometimes I feel like I can't.
I am trying to get into Heavenly fathers good graces.
Carrie underwood's song It starts with goodbye is playing on pandora right now. And I'm thinking.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry. And let go of some things I love to get to the other side. I guess it's gonna break me down, that moment when your trying to fly, it's sad but sometime moving on with the rest of your life. Starts with goodbye.

Like I am connecting with the song in ways that I haven't before. That song has always meant a lot to me. You know the kind. You turn it way up and sing it through tears. And you don't really know why.

Alone isn't something I have ever done for more then a week at a time.

But I feel alone in a crowded room
Even with people that care for me right there. I don't get it.

People come and go in life..... A lot.
People you think are gone. Have been forever, swore were done with you suddenly see you and then don't remember how bad it was. And think oh that might be fun.

Well I don't have time for fun. I want real. Real i can't live life happily if your not around. And I am not going to find that in someone that left me on their own accord. So... Why on earth would that be something I would do.... Let you tear me down again.

I'm not saying you haven't changed into a wonderful man... One that broke my heart. And some ribs.

I understand that you think that your amazing, you are built way different the the man I'm dating. You think that you should be given a chance to be with me again. Ok.... I am pretty sure I enjoy having my life without having to worry about having my body being dragged by my hair down the hall. If I remember correctly that happened because you team lost the Super Bowl. I mean really? Your abusive I promise I didn't have anything to so with the game.

So ok, your awesome, your better the. My boyfriend, I don't deserve even the man I'm with because if Jason threw me away I must be worthless. Well guess what. Jason didn't throw me anywhere. He in loving and kind form decided that he was unhappy and that our kiddos deserved to have parents that loved one another. Even though we can't live together. Sure there are some awkward stuff. Even tense stuff. But we make it through it because we are friends. Jason taught me my worth. I am worth having happiness. I am worth love that makes me shiver. I am worth fighting for. I am worth everything I deserve that I don't know i deserve. Is the guy I'm dating the one I will have for ever? I don't know. We will find out one day at a time. Right now it is pretty rocky. We are finding out what our roles are. I am trying to run. He says um No. We have this. Calm down relax and we can talk about this till we are ok in our heads. (But mostly mine) when the kiddos won't go to be like they should he steps in and says kindly your momma asked you to do something, Justin what was it? "To go to bed" are you doing that? "No" you think maybe you should give it a try? "Yes" "Conner lay down its night night time" as the night night is thrown at Conner. He is amazing. Like how Jason would have done it. And Jason is an amazing father. So a whole new side of jake is immersing. I like it. And I think Jason would approve.

Jason, well I do miss him. But when we divorced we made the decision that we as an us was no longer the best for our family. So we split our things fairly. And that means we are ok. I believe he wants me to find happiness. As I do for him. He is the best man I could have had children with. I don't regret anything. Change things? Yes I would. I would go back to 2006 and do the whole year different. Because Jason deserved better. If I had done it the way I should have. I would be married right now. But then jake wouldn't have met me. Maybe I am Supposed to be here for him. Maybe my road was alway meant to lead me here. I'll find our one day at a time. If I died tonight I would worry about my boys. But I have been loved, cared about, independent, taken care of. I've been wild, I've been calm (sometimes minutes apart) I have lived in the middle class, the poverty class, and the high end of things. I have stayed away from drugs, carried two boys into this world from Gods arms to their fathers arms to my arms. That will alway be the happiest moment of my life.
So you say I should be with you despite every thing that you were. Every thing that was wrong is fixed. Well that's great. I'm happy your happy with the way your life is going. But that's not a place I will be going. I have worth. Heavenly Father wants me to be a princes, my mother wants me to stay alive, my dad wants me to be happy. And I want to be with someone who knows that I am in deed a child of god. And he sent me her to go through my trials that are in front of me as well as the ones behind. And he has my back, and he brings strength to me when I have no hope.
He reminds me that "faith is not the perfect knowledge of things; therefor if you have faith you hope for the things that are not seen which are true. Alma 32:21
That is all I have tonight.