What to do with this box.

So there is a box in my head, (I know shocking) and I have been doing my best to organize it like the box of recipes in my kitchen,

I have been though a pretty rough summer, and here I sit at the end of it, trying to look though the rubble my marriage.

I have never been a good single person and really i have never been single.

And right now... I am dealing with this rejection and I am jumping into any relationship that I can.. and I don't need Anyone to tell me that "that's not healthy" because I know.

I do.

However I just don't want to be alone. I didn't get married to have it end.

I was playing music in my car yesterday. And pink was blasting... And I had to pull the car over to just stop the wet shit coming out of my face.

If you told me three years ago that he would be gone I would have punch you.

Three years ago I was holding my first born child. We were learning how to be parents together. And I knew we were going to be together forever. All the unstable rocky shit that our life had been was smoothing out.

My wild side calmed down when that little + sign showed up on that stick. I was starting a family with the man I loved.

So now it's rocky unstable and scary as hell... That is my life.

So anyway my point.

Well hell I don't have one.

I have a man that I have been "seeing"

We are pretty much a booty call situation at this point.

I have feelings, he doesn't.

I can't make him I understand this.

But when he is with me I get all sort of confusing feeling, I know how I think I feel... How much of it is actual or chemically induced I have not figured out yet. But as I watch him leave I know that he doesn't and most likely won't feel. Things for me.

And I am at a point where he come over and walks in and it feels like he is just coming home. And he is nice, he will sit and talk... But then it's a crawl on the bed. Move how he likes... Don't get me wrong... It's fun, but I know where it's going... It's gonna end with him walking out that door. And he isn't sleazy about it. He lays with me... He kisses me like he means it. But we aren't a "couple" and we aren't together. Because its not a good time for him.

And today I just don't know what to do with this feeling in this box that are quickly growing into a problem.

It is gonna end with a broken heart. And I won't stop it because I don't want to be alone. And if I end it to save my heart... I'll be alone.

The end